I can't help it. It's a compulsion. A sickness. As always, photos from the Vogue web site and anything in quotes is their copy. I refer to the patterns by number, not page.
1. White lace Christmas stocking. With cables. Out of alpaca. They use the word 'heirloom'. Oh, please.
2. A little short-sleeved lace top out of - ha - Doucer et Soie. Of course I think anyone's insane to work with that yarn, but it's nice enough if you're looking for lace that causes heat stroke and want everyone to see your festive bra.
3. Cableknit in cashmere. It probably wouldn't be too bad in another yarn; still, it's cables, so it's bulky, and there's at least one panel in there done sideways for some reason. Plus some dorky ribbon wound around the shoulders and tied in a bow. ???
Four and five are missing; my copy had the page torn out. Ain't that sweet? reconstructing from the patterns in the back, we seem to have... oh, that's nice, the pattern pages are torn out, too. Talk about copyright infringement. I hope some theiving asshole slips on some ice this holiday season.
6. Lace cardigan with ruffly V neck. Not to my taste, but wearable.
7. Looooong, bulky, cabled coat with buttons the size of dinner plates and a massive shawl collar. AND the stylist had the model wear it over a green taffeta full-length gown while pushing a tree in a wheelbarrow. Because we ALL need overgrown sweaters to throw over our ball gowns when we're in the mood for a spot of landscaping.
8. Rather run-of-the-mill Fair Isle beret.
9. Felted bag. Pretty colors, but it's big enough to carry my cat, my kid, AND a week's clothing for all three of us. It needs luggage wheels on the bottom, or should come with a fork lift.
10. Run-of-the-mill navy blue cabled turtleneck. Oh, but look! It comes in sizes up to 2x! We're supposed to be impressed! Why the hell didn't they do this sooner, like, oh, 1960?
11. Tweedy scarf with "woodsy intarsia motifs". I want to know how much designers get paid for coming up with something like this, because I'm betting it's a hell of a paycheck for the work involved.
12. Grey cable-knit scarf anyone with a copy of Barbara Walker could come up with. It's thrown on top of (not wrapped around, just lumped on top of) some hunched over statue. Has the stylist been fired yet?
13. Maroon cable-knit with short sleeves, cowl neck, AND A BIG HONKING CABLED BOW RIGHT ACROSS THE TITS. Very attractive. I want me one of them.
14. Cable-knit (I sense a trend here) twin set. Nice. I could make up the pattern myself in twenty minutes.
15. Fitted cable-knit jacket with deep V neck and bell sleeves. If you cut the waist in to make it look small, why, then, are you tying a bigass kntited belt around it?
16. Yet another navy blue cable-knit. This one has a V neck and comes in plus sizes. Oooh. Wouldn't it be nice if plus sized people had more than navy blue cable-knits to choose from?
17. Pink thneed. Super-bulky, with bobbles. SUPER BULKY BOBBLES. There ought to be a law. The model looks like a bald mammoth. With warts.
18. Very Easy Very Vogue wrap. In blue stockinette. Looks like a bath robe.
19. Ruffled pullover vest-thingie. Wobbly poofs up from the shoulders, and TWO leather belts wrapped around it at the waist. Can we PLEASE kill the stylist? What in the FUCK? And doesn't the model look delighted?
20. Sideways knit short-sleeve cardigan. Eh.
21. Asian-inspired pullover with asymetric neck-to-shoulder seam and funky color pattern done over one shoulder and sleeve with the rest of the pullover done in solid olive green. I have no idea why it appeals to me because it's really weird looking. Really creative, putting an Asian model in an Asian-style sweater. Gosh. Never would have thought of that. And what's up with the red belt?
22. Slinky wrap with floral motifs. By Annie Modisett (why am I not shocked? She always turns out nice, wearable stuff.) Pretty if you go for that kind of thing.
23. Red sweater with gold and black edging. This started off as a cool idea, but I'd put in shoulder seams, fix the waist, and make everything longer. And not knit it out of SILK. Jeez. Bankruptcy and heat stroke, all in one project! Nice nipples. Really.
24. Slouchy crossover jacket with an entrelac bottom half. I don't know why it's in the dressup section; it'd be nice as a knock-around jacket, but to wear out to a party? Please. And WHYWHYWHY would you do entrelac in one color? It totally misses the point of it.
25. Two words. Koigu train wreck. Oh, that's three. Well. Here's another word then: Horrifying. And why in HELL is the model wearing big clonky leather boots??? Oh, I forgot. The stylist has the IQ of a rutabega.
26&27. Dorky purple vest and matching overgrown purple hat. Due to the stupid modeling poses, you can't really even see the vest. "See the enormous impact one tertiary tint can make." Good copy doesn't cover up hideous design. Plus purple's a secondary color, not a tertiary one. Morons.
28. Purple knit halter dress worn over a blue turtleneck, with blue tights and knee high brown leather work boots. There are no words. I swear I am not making this up. (Honestly, the dress wouldn't be bad in summer, all by itself, without the stylist making it look like someone's closet threw up on the model.)
29. AAAAH! My grandma's afghan is attacking that model! Quick! Save her!!
30. Brandon Mably rips off Teva Durham's short-row fair isle idea, but is too lazy to actually do fair isle, and so makes crooked stripes. Niiiice. Shame Teva can't sue for idea theft and destruction of a neat concept.
31. Braided scarf. Neat, but again, why do it in one color? It'd have more impact done in several.
32. Patterned jacket in teal blue. I like it, but the sleeves are too short and the collar's too big.
33. Mini-dress knit in metallic yarn. Very seventies. And the model looks irritated and has one hip cocked to the side and her hand pressed to her leg, which probably means the dress fits like a sack.
34. Overgrown wrap thing. It sort of reminds me of a slime mold, the way they ooze when filmed in stop-motion photography. I think we should feed the stylist to it.
35. One-shouldered sleeveless top. More hip-cocking and hand pressing. The sweater comes down over the woman's butt, to make SURE her hips look bigger.
36. Sleevless metallic vest-thingie, also at the wrong hip-growing length. Looks like Burberry tweed woven out of copper shavings.
That, thankfully, is the end.
I've got to quit buying this magazine. Got. To.