Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The things you learn on TV.

So, while I've been hiding under the futon, I've been vegetating in front of the TV. And one of my favorite 'trash TV' topics is true crime/forensics stuff, also known around here as murdervision.


-If you have such an unusual genetic profile that the technicians can recognize it at a glance and say "oh yeah, I saw that profile two months ago", you have no business committing crimes. Stay home and learn to knit.

-If you plan to go berserk in court and start screaming about how the police and lawyers are Nazis, and compare your trial to the Nuremburg trials, it would be wise to make sure the judge isn't Jewish, first.

-If you leave donuts and coffee for the police on your tail, they WILL track you down and find you, if it takes ten years and a fifty-man task force.

-If you're going to drive a hundred miles into the desert and spend days burning a body to get rid of it, make sure there isn't a one-of-a-kind, custom made bracelet with the victim's name on it, laying next to the body, when you leave.

-If you're going to leave tire tracks next to a body you've dumped, you might want to make sure you don't have four different kinds of tires on your vehicle. That's a little distinctive. The jury won't buy it, later, when you try to convince them someone ELSE in the county is driving around in a car with the same four odd tires on it.

-If you want the federal government to leave you alone, shooting three federal agents, while being videotaped, is not the way to go.

There you are. I'm sure all of us can use these tips in our everyday lives. Keep them in mind. Glad to be of help.


Anne said...

Thanks for the good advice. Another important point is that you shouldn't play cat and mouse with your last victim and go over all the details of your serial crimes because the police and/or feisty independent detective will surely catch up with you while you are indulging in this ego trip.

Mamma said...

What does it say about me that I know most of the cases you're refering to?

tee-hee murdervision. I must be living under my own sofa, I hadn't heard that phrase yet.

Sheepish Annie said...

And those darned DNA-laden cigarette butts...those are always lying around crime scenes just waiting for the techs. Give a hoot, don't pollute and you'll stand a better chance of getting away with it!

RobynR said...

. . . . good to know.

Anonymous said...

*snort* My former landlady ended up in prison-don't ask but it involved a man and drugs- Anyway she said the only thing dumber than cops were criminals. makes you think doesn't it!

Amy Lane said...

* If you have committed a crime, do make sure you don't take a glass of anything from a policeman during questioning, because they can literally go back in time using your spittle and fingerprints and show a holovid of you offing your boss using a paperclip, a rubberband, and stapler set on 'kill'.

Anonymous said...

If you're convinced you can commit the 'Perfect Crime,' you might consider reading some textbooks on forensics, first. If you're still convinced, take up a hobby and go see a psychiatrist, just be sure to google Tarasoff first.

Donna Lee said...

I also think you should keep in mind that you should never boast of your crimes to anyone, especially a police officer or therapist. They are way smarter than you think!

Kristen said...

I *love* crime and forensics shows. Adore them. I used to watch Forensic Files while I fell asleep. My cat would hear that chime-y theme music and run from wherever she was in the house to jump on my bed.

She could probably crack a case if she could only write down her thoughts and be taken seriously.

Roxie said...

I work with real criminals occasionally. They will tell you, "I'm in here because I didn't feed my parking meter soon enough." They neglect the part about assaulting the meter maid who was giving them a ticket, then they lead the police on a four-county high-speed chase, ending with the criminal broadsiding a police vehicle, and, while pinned in the crash, shooting at the officers trying to get him out. "Well, I was on meth. You can't hold that against me." Not intelligent, but violent.