In honor of this being our first full day of retirement from the US Navy, I thought I'd include a list of all the really smartass remarks I've made over the years. (That I can think of.) I've got the husbeast helping me out, remembering. Some take some explanation, some don't.
ME, shouting: You are so stupid!
HUSBEAST: Well you married me.
DOCTOR AT ARMY HOSPITAL: I'm a Captain in the US Army!
ME: Well we've got a problem then, because I need a DOCTOR.
DOCTOR: I, er, uh-
ME: Out. Send someone else in here.
HUSBEAST'S CHIEF: Watch your mouth.
ME: You need to get me a mirror. I can't see it from here.
The next day at work-
HUSBEAST'S CHIEF: You need to control your wife.
HUSBEAST: How about YOU control her, and I watch?
OTHER MEN IN SHOP: Hahahahahahahahahaha-breathe-hahahahahahahahaha!
One afternoon at the bank, I was pulling into the parking lot and nearly hit a twit in a Jeep. I tooted the horn and motioned him out of my way. Turned out he was also going to the bank and decided to voice an opinion.
TWIT: I do not appreciate your attitude.
ME: I do not appreciate your driving.
TWIT: I'm a captain in the US Navy-
ME: Well I hope you get someone else to pilot your boat, 'cause you can't drive for shit.
NAVY SEAL: Do you know your husband is nuts?
ME: Yes, but I can't tell you what it means, hearing it from a Navy SEAL.
NAVY SEAL: Teeheehee.
One night I was on base in a little quick-mart sort of place getting a soda. I was wearing camo pants, a pink tee shirt, and orange flip-flops. The husbeast, as a joke, had gotten a name tape made and sewn it on the back pocket of my falling-apart camo pants, exactly like real uniforms were done.
PROBABLY OFFICER: You are out of uniform.
PROBABLY OFFICER: Look at yourself! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I have your name and I am going to find your CO and make you regret-
ME: You've been looking at my ass? I think I feel harassed.
PROBABLY OFFICER: Aaargh!
(Nothing ever came of it, because I didn't change my name when I got married.)
After chewing out someone at the base 'mall', while standing in line-
GUY BEHIND ME: Are you a chief?
GUY: The way you chewed out that lady. Are you a chief?
ME: No, I come by my chewing-out skills naturally.
GUY: You have a gift.
ME: Thank you.
Overheard at the base gate, after the World Trade Center attack, when they began checking ID on everyone going into the base-
LITTLE OLD LADY: Young man, do you know who I am?
GATE GUARD: No, ma'am, that's why I asked for ID.
About two blocks up from the main gate of Pearl Harbor Naval Station, there was an intersection with no light that caused all kinds of accidents. "No Left Turn" signs were posted EVERYWHERE, but people still made left turns. One day I got behind a Base Police car that STOPPED and the cop WAVED PEOPLE THROUGH who were making illegal left turns. So I laid on the horn, and when he looked in his rear-view mirror, I gave a rather emphatic point toward the "No Left Turn" sign. Well. I got into base housing (that is like a maze) and he got up behind me and pulled me over.
BASE COP: You made a threatening gesture.
ME: What? When?!?
BASE COP: Back on the other street, you were behind me. You tooted your horn and made a threatening gesture.
ME: Buddy, if I was gonna make a threatening gesture, it wouldn't be with my INDEX FINGER.
BASE COP, gearing up to cause trouble: It was threatening.
ME: Okay. Tell you what. Let's go find your watch supervisor, and you can tell him about my pointy finger, and I'll tell him about you WAVING PEOPLE THROUGH AN ILLEGAL LEFT TURN, and we'll see who gets in the most trouble.
BASE COP: Aaargh!
Right after I broke my hand, I was in physical thearpy three days a week and on narcotics a lot. So I needed the husbeast to drive me to PT. His chief wasn't too cooperative, and somehow (I sincerely forget who made the phone call, me or him) we wound up on the phone together.
ME: I really need someone to drive me to the hospital. I'm on piles of narcotics, and, come on, would you want me on the road with your wife and kids?
CHIEF: Is that a threat?
ME, trying again: Look, Smith, I really need some help here. We're not trying to scam the husbeast out of work or anything, he'll make up the time, I just need-
CHIEF: That's Chief Smith to you.
ME: The hell it is. I never joined the Goddamn Navy.
I wound up driving myself. The tale of my bitchiness followed me for years, until the husbeast got stationed to the SEAL team (he fixed what they broke). The SEALs thought I was funny.