Vogue Knitting, fall 2011

It's that time. Actually, past that time. Had trouble getting motivated. As usual, photos are from the magazine or web site, quotes the same, all else is mine. (Also, I've figured out a way to do the review without breaking my momentum, which means a longer review... both good and bad, I guess. If you're here for just the patterns, scroll on down. They're here.)

For those who think I get off on criticizing people, guess again. I actually feel kind of bad about some stuff in this issue. But my job, as I see it, is to save KNITTERS time and frustration (and money). And some of this stuff has to be pointed out, if I'm going to do that. A great deal of this stuff is fine (other than crappy size selection), but most can be improved with an eye toward fit and optical illusion.

So, the magazine. The usual advertising-as-article. Rowan's making a new bulky yarn, may the gods save us. Plymouth is pushing matching his and hers sweaters - again I appeal to the gods.

There's a free pattern available on the web site (somewhere unmarked) that's a knock off of the white angora cardigan that Kate Middleton/Princess Kate wore during her wedding. I'd tell you if it was free to all or just free to those with a magazine, but, uh, I can't find it.

A page of knitting art that's kind of cute; I may need to get some for the living room.

Trendsetter Yarns is advertising Big Fuzzy Things.

The weather gets cold, and people start knitting super-bulky. I could cry tears of blood.

The 'new yarns' section is balls of stuff. AGAIN. No gauge swatches, AGAIN. Fuckers. Anyway, it's about 'chainette' yarns, the ones that are basically loosely-knit I-cord. Considering that Clara Parkes' all time favorite yarn is said to be one of these, in cashmere, they may be worth trying out. They aren't cheap, though; think scarf, not coat, no matter what VK tells you. Debbie Bliss is doing one in alpaca/merino; Lana Grossa has one in wool/silk/poly, and Rowan has one in 98% alpaca with enough poly to hold it together. HELLO, HEAT STROKE!

Ad with Maryilyn Monroe's hair photoshopped to wool. Creepy.

Franklin (Habit) interviews the winner of last issue's mohair contest. No idea why it wasn't in the LAST issue, but he's always interesting.

"News" is pushing a Nicky Epstein book from 2008. Some woman is knitting her way through it. I wish her luck with that. Sincerely.

Signature Needles is making circulars now, short and long.

UNICORN BOOKS IS PUBLISHING ANOTHER COLLECTION OF NORWEGIAN PATTERNS. "Norwegian Knitting Designs: A Collection From Norway's Foremost Knitting Designers" by Margaretha Finseth. MUST HAVE! Wait. It's a reprint from 2002. How very helpful for VK to leave that out. Anyway, if you didn't get Norsk Strikkedesign in 2002, now's your chance. (I love my copy. Just saying.)

Spotlight discusses the new "Principles of Knitting" and INSISTS that it's coming out this year. I hold not my breath, but I would like to give a copy to my MIL for Christmas.

Meg Swansen writes about how to do short rows. Three different methods; Barbara Walker, Yarn Over Method, and Japanese Method. Being cool, Meg also credits who taught them to her.

Technique is with Nancy Marchant, who shows how to do two-color cables in brioche knit. A brain-bender, but very cool. Have you bought her book yet? No? Why not?

The "Special Advertising Section" has a free sock patterns available on line at VK, from Kollage yarns, Alpaca with a Twist, Mountain Colors, Simply Socks, and Tilli Thomas. "Download this free pattern at vogueknitting.com" what, they couldn't bother to set up the actual pages and PRINT THE EXACT URL to make the patterns easy to find? Sheer laziness and bad planning. (Let me know if y'all find 'em.) There's also a free cardigan pattern from Classic Elite. This one's actually on paper. Y'know, so you can find it.

And then, the patterns.

Section one is "Masterpiece Classics". When I read the word "classic" in regard to knitting, I think of classic FASHION knitting, as in stuff created since 1920ish that's really iconic. Not FOLK KNITTING, which is a whole other category - and all the stuff in this section. Don't get me wrong. I love folk knitting. Most of what I do is considered folk knitting. I think it's timeless and produces sweaters you can wear until they fall apart, so there's not a thing wrong with it. BUT IT ISN'T FASHION. For folk knitting to cross over to fashion, it needs to be adapted in some way. In other words, "inspired by", not "a copy of". The majority of stuff in this section is plain old Folk Knitting, so again I wonder why in hell VK calls it fashion. But the few fashion bits they've got are pretty cool. This sort of thing, along with weird and/or dumb names and mis-labeled techniques, is not the fault of the designers, who have nothing to do with how the magazine is put together (or how their designs are modeled); it is on the heads of the editors, who should REALLY know better, particularly if they knit. (Allegedly. I hold not my breath.)

1. Nordic Gloves by Lone Smevik Soleng (apologies if I got the name wrong).

One size, measured by hand circumference and length. They ARE Nordic, and are called such in the title, but the blurb on the page calls it a "Fair Isle snowflake". Methinks the editors need to TALK TO EACH OTHER. Or PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION. Or both. Photographed in such a way, I've got to look at the schematics to know if they're mittens or gloves. And I'm so used to VK fucking up the names of things, I can't trust the title “Nordic Gloves” to actually mean gloves. But they do, and they are. Want a high-fashion pair of gloves that look like something knit 200 years ago? Here you go. HUSBEAST: "What, is she fainting, her hair is so bad? Or is it because the cat around her neck farted?"


2. Squirrel Cardigan by Yoko Hatta. Again with the term "Fair Isle" in the page blurb. SERIOUSLY, VK? SERIOUSLY?

Four sizes from 36 to 48 inches/92 to 122 cm. Knit with alpaca, so really better suited to the winter edition. Ask me, the squirrels would look better across the shoulders, give a more flattering line, and you wouldn't have to worry about having wild animals hanging on your ass if the fit goes a little wrong. Hey. It's possible. Oh – those of you worried about plagiarism because there's an identical sweater from a Japanese knitting mag? No sweat. Same designer, slightly different gauge, AND A STUNNINGLY ORIGINAL PATTERN FOR VK! (Thanks to my readers who directed me to the copyright issue over on Ravelry.)


3. Nordic Cardigan by Shiri Mor.

Two sizes. 32 and 36 inches/81 and 91 cm. They are calling a 36 inch bust a size medium. FUCK YOU, VOGUE. “A modern take on the timeless XO motif”. NO. IT IS A TAKE ON THE NOT-MODERN NORWEGIAN LUSTKOFE, MOTHERFUCKERS. Thank you, VK copy writers, for fucking up AGAIN. (“Everyone here knits”, my ass.) As part of the modern take, there is actual FITTING. Take a look: See the darts, to add waist shaping?

Yup. A lustkofe that's flattering. Impressive. (That's harder to pull off than you might think, given the originals.) Unfortunately, 36 inches in a cardigan meant to go over other clothing means very few people - even fit, "thin" people - can wear it. 


4. Oversize[d] Nordic Pull by Kristen Nicholas.

Five sizes from 38 to 53 inches/96 to 136 inches. THIS. This is just appalling. No effort whatsoever was made to match up the diamond patterns on the shoulders. NONE. What's really pathetic is, it's easily solved! All you do is pick up the sleeve at the shoulder, in pattern, then knit downward to the wrist. It was pioneered by EZ and her daughter Meg years ago, in the Russian Prime. And since Meg writes for VK they could have done a technique article tie-in, and made things really helpful. OH YEAH. BUT THEY DIDN'T. While I'm ranting, have a look at this:

Okay. Red circles are obviously where the shoulder seams don't match up. (SERIOUSLY?) Now let's take a look at how this hangs. See the yellow lines? Yup. It's an A line, on purpose or accident, and in and of itself, A lines are okay. Except then the horizontal pattern is put on at the hips, creating an optical illusion making them seem even wider, which they already are due to the A line. Um. NO. HUSBEAST: "God, I thought that was her butt in front. It's camouflaged, apparently."


5. Colorwork Vest by Cheryl Murray.

Five boxy sizes from 40 to 52 inches/101 to 133 cm. Steeked alpaca (??!??), so make sure you use a sewing machine or hand sew very closely, to hold the cut stitches. Also more appropriate to the winter issue. If it's a 'colorwork' vest, WHERE'S THE COLOR? Seriously? Anyway, this is a take on a North Sea style, the precursor to Fair-Isles. Before synthetic dyes existed (1860s, ish), they used the natural colors of their sheep. You'd get things like this as a result. Except the zipper's new. Those have only been around, what, a hundred years?


6. Snowflake Jacket by Yoko Hatta.

Four sizes from 36 to 48 inches/91 to 122 cm. A yarn company special; one yarn is discontinued, but to knit the medium size without the carry-along is $423 USD. Ha. I will never get this type of fashion. If it's cold enough to warrant a long coat/cardigan thing, with a big collar, why then, does it have short sleeves? 


7. Nordic Yoke Pullover by Ruth Garcia-Alcantud.

Four sizes from 31 to 37 inches (really? REALLY?)/78 to 94 cm. Yet another sweater that fails to take into account the difference between regular stockinette and stranded color. I don't know if the idea was for the sweater to be super-tight across the shoulders ('cause it is) to hold it up, or if that was just an, um, accidental design element. Possibly it's because of who they chose to model it.

But it looks like crap on the model, from the back. Whatever else there is to say, that is DEFINITELY not a proper fit. Also, stylist, what in HELL is up with the hair??!


8. Fair Isle Hat by Mary Ann Stephens.

One size, 20 inches/51 cm. Adorable. According to my books, Scandinavia and the North Sea islanders were producing hats like this for 150 years. There's a lithograph from 1857 with a hat just like this depicted.


9. Fair Isle Cardigan by Rosemary Drysdale.

Five sizes from 34 to 56 inches/87 to 143 cm. Another copy of old styles, rather than an adaptation. Unless you count only doing the color work on the front an adaptation of style. “...fetching Fair Isle cardigan”. IT IS NORWEGIAN. IT HAS SOMETHING CALLED A NORWEGIAN FUCKING STAR ON IT. IT HAS LICE KNIT IN. GET WITH IT VK, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. YOU LOOK LIKE IDIOTS. (I know I keep harping on it. But this mis-labeling makes VK look really, really, REALLY bad.) Also, check out the hand-on-hip to make it look like it's got a waist. It doesn't.



Section two. (Please no more mislabeled folk knitting, my heart can't take it.) "The New Trend; Captivating twists pop against a field knit in the comeback color of the season". Please note, this 'comeback color' makes most of the population look like shit. The model is a striking woman with the best coloring possible to wear this lime green, and SHE doesn't really look good in it. So, you know... be ware.


10. Cable Raglan Dress by Sarah Hatton.

Note they don't show the whole body, anywhere. Ha. THAT'S a good sign, all right. Four sizes from 35 to 39 inches/89 to 100 cm. It doesn't even look good on the model. Shorten it and wear it as a pullover.

Also: Arm trick!


11. Cabled Cardigan by Mari Tobita.

For the love of all that's holy, KNIT THIS THING IN A DIFFERENT COLOR! Five sizes from 34 to 48 inches/86 to 122 cm. If I had the time, I'd knit this one for myself. In, you know, another color. This one's pretty cool. The lace panel in the middle kind of stretches and creates an optical illusion of an hourglass figure that makes the person wearing it look slimmer and curvy. See? (Blue lines.)

The way the sleeves are set in, though (red circle), you're gonna need the finishing skills of a god to make it look as good as this sample does. The collar is picked up in pattern and knit on after... finshing skills of a god, I tell ya. But if you CAN pull it off, it's definitely one of the best choices in the issue. In another color.


12. Cabled Shrug by Devin Cole.

Three sizes from 38 to 43 inches/96 to 109 cm. Which is too bad, 'cause big-busted women look good in styles that define the waist. Like this. Fuckers. Mmmm, pooled blobs of color. BEWARE THE VARIEGATED YARNS, PEOPLE! I'm assuming VK demanded this yarn be used (Prism, high cost, $160 USD for size medium.). In a solid color, it'd be a nice pullover. But the way that neck is set in? You're back to needing a god of finishing skills. Interestingly, they don't show the neck in the picture (shock!) but the ribbing meets sideways reverse stockinette RIGHT SLAP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHEST, so do it right or not at all.


13. Wave Cable Jacket by Ellen Liguori.

Four sizes from 40 to 55 inches/101 to 141 cm. Finally! Someone sizes a coat properly! Kinda cute fuzzy coat-jacket-thingie. “...provide a cool backdrop for graphic cabling.” HAHAHA. In the magazine, you can't even SEE the cables, for all the busy yarn, between fluff and shifting color. I had to look at the pattern to be sure the cables were THERE. REALLY well planned pattern/yarn choice combination, right here. Make a note under “what not to do”. Knit with a less busy and fluffy yarn, it looks like a nice pattern for a light jacket. (In these situations I assume VK dictated yarn choice, 'cause designers should really know better.)


14. Ribbon Cable Cardi by Helen Sharp.

Four sizes from 34 to 47 inches/86 to 119 cm. Rather run of the mill cardigan with ribbon strung through the holes in the cables. The collar. THE COLLAR. What the hell is that, a giant snap the size of a pocket watch? Or is it some kind of brooch? I can't tell. Wut de heww? Also: CODE RED ON THE RIBBON. The pattern calls for WIRED ribbon. (Ribbon with wire in the edges.) DO NOT USE. I'm something of a ribbon expert, due to crazy stuff like this... Wired ribbon is nearly impossible to straighten out again, once it gets bent. So the first time you fold this sweater? You've permanently fucked up the ribbons. Use regular, it'll be fine. If you fall in love with a wired ribbon, that's okay: get a pair of pliers and pull out the wires and you're good to go. HUSBEAST: "WIRED ribbon? Bitch, please. Do you want Dracula's collar or some shit?"


15. Ribbed Turtleneck by Pat Olski.

Four sizes from 30 to 39 inches/85 to 99 cm. What. WHAT. WHAT??!!?? is that tie thingie doing on the side of that sweater? WHAT??!?!?!?! It's like someone knit a perfectly nice turtleneck with an asymmetric cable, and then stuck some dumbass bow on the side for some crazed reason. WHYYYY?!?!?! No one try to explain that bow as fashion. FASHION IS NOT DORKY-LOOKING. Leave the bow off. If you can fit into it, it's a great sweater.


And our next section, my eternal favorite, the super bulky designer WTF section! "Bold bands of color invigorate that unmistakable Twinkle Silhouette." Oh, suuuuure. You betcha. HUSBEAST: "That's some bulky-ass shit. Is that for wearing around the house, is that what that is? It's gotta be. Plus size? HORIZONTAL STRIPES. That doesn't make sense."

16. Striped Cardi by Twinkle.

Sizes. Ha, it comes in sizes. Three sizes from 54 to 62 inches/137 to 157 cm. “Everything about Twinkle's short-sleeved cardi is oversized...” SO WHY ARE YOU GOING TO HANG IT ON YOURSELF? It makes the model look like a heifer! Also, this sucker is knit with SUPER bulky yarn. WHYYYY do you want to wear something called “SUPER BULKY”???? Wait. Wait.

THERE YA GO. Oh, and $124 USD for the size medium. HOOK ME UP.


17. Striped Back Top by, yes, Twinkle.

Three sizes from 40 to 48 inches/101 to 122 cm. More of the same. Another super-bulky monster. Want carpal tunnel? Knit with this stuff. Six stitches to four inches/ten centimeters. $150 USD for medium. THERE SHOULD BE A LAW. Oh, and want to make yourself batshit crazy? Knit this. There are different gauges for the front and back. Oh, won't THAT be a joy to join together. Because seaming super-bulky is so easy WITHOUT a gauge difference. Seriously, Twinkle? SERIOUSLY?


Section, uh, three? Four? Next. Section next. "The Art of Lace." Blah, blah, blah. Giant portrait of Marie Antoinette looming over the photo shoot; not sure that's quite the way they wanna go, historically speaking. Then again, VK doesn't seem to know KNITTING history, so, why am I surprised? LET ME EAT CAKE, BITCHES. (Do not bother telling me that quote wasn't historically correct. What do you see around here that's historically correct? Hey. Is that a cupcake?)

18. Lace Cardi and Cowl, by E J Slayton.

Five sizes from 36 to 52 inches/92 to 133 cm. I really don't get this new concept of knitting a perfectly good cardigan and plopping a cowl on top of it and calling it sophisticated. It's not. It's a cowl on top of a cardigan. Anyway, it's nice enough. A-line, knit with sock yarn so it's a transitional weather piece. The lace pattern itself is easy too. If you want a beginner lace garment, this one's a nice choice.


19. Lace Turtleneck by Jenifer Stark.

Three sizes from 31 to 43 inches/80 to 109 cm. HOTTER THAN A SUMMER IN HELL. Two layers of knitting, one of them mohair. If you live somewhere that gets cold, then yeah, go for it. But, damn. HOT. Also, it's TWO SWEATERS, which will obviously take TWICE AS LONG. And also cost, well, twice as much? $184 USD for the size medium. But, still. Nice if that's what you're looking for. (HOT.) HUSBEAST: "What's wrong with this? She's twisted all out of shape." Nothing, she's just posed that way for some unaccountable reason.


20. Lace Bodice Top by Laura Zukaite.

Three sizes, measured at lower edge which makes no sense to me. Silk/cashmere blend. No tensile strength, so a tunic will grow to a dress while giving you heat stroke. I assume this is another Yarn Company Special. $245 USD for size medium. Economy? What economy?


21. Lace Shawl by Candace Eisner Strick.

Width along top edge, 52 inches/132 cm. If you want a lace shawl, this is a nice one. It's even got some fitting to it, so it will stay on your shoulders better than some. Do I need to editorialize on how long knitted shawls have been around, and how non-fashion they are? No, I didn't think so. It's a nice shawl. If you wear them, you could do a lot worse.


Section next to last! YAY! "All About Ease" Knit these timeless fashions to look utterly boxy and waistless. No. Wait. "Unwind in generously sized toppers that give you room to breathe." Am I the only one who thinks "topper" sounds like a dominatrix? Yes? Okay then!

22. Bulky Topper (HA! A plus sized dominatrix?) by Mari Lynn Patrick.

Five sizes from 35 to 44 inches/90 to 113 cm. Hot damn, once again the Boobs of Doom work in my favor! Oh yes, kangaroo pockets. SO FLATTERING. DOUBLE layers of fabric over your gut! What could possibly go wrong? “Casual charm” my ass. Awesome necklace, though.


23. Cowl Neck Pullover by Maie Landra.

Five sizes from 40 to 53 inches/101 to 141 cm. Slightly schizophrenic pullover... is it a tunic? Is it a turtleneck? Is it multi-color or solid? I do like the idea of knitting with two strands of Koigu for color variation, but that isn't gonna be cheap. In fact, $478 USD for the next-to-largest size. DUDE. Holy SHIT. SERIOUSLY? IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SLEEVES!


24. Lace Belted Cape by Kristen Omdahl.

One size, 80 inches/203 cm. A poncho with a belt, so you can't raise your arms. Uh huh. I don't... just... WHAT??!!??


25. Rib Yoke Topper [insert your choice of dominatrix joke here] by Anna Cohen.

Five sizes from 48 to 56 inches/122 to 143 cm. Another schizo sweater. It's like they started knitting a businesslike pullover with the tuxedo shirt front sort of thing that's kind of cute (but needs better increasing around the edges). Then they got bored and slapped some short sleeves on it that stick out like wings:

and don't 'fit' the rest of the sweater. In fact, they don't fit at all, style or actual size.


26. FUN FUR COWL, BABY! by Vladmir Teriokhin.

Size... you know, fuck it. No one cares. No one's gonna make this thing. A FUN FUR COWL. In Vogue Knitting. In 2011. Oh no, NOT OUT OF TOUCH WITH KNITTERS AT ALL. Not a bit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!?? Oh, wait. It's crocheted. THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT. (I kid, I kid. No one hook my brain out my nose.)


27. Jacket by Vladmir Teriokhin.

"Very oversized" three sizes from 52 to 60 inches/132 to 152 cm. At least the man knows how to size a freakin' coat. You could actually WEAR IT OVER OTHER STUFF. Unfortunately, that's about the best that can be said. It doesn't fit right. It buttons over the shoulder, oddly, and results in no waist at all. And there are double – triple?? - layer pockets adding bulk to the hips, which, you know, ALL WOMEN LOVE THAT. Plus, that eternal question, IF IT'S MEANT AS A JACKET, WHERE IN HELL ARE THE SLEEVES?


28. Cropped Topper (HA! Short dominatrix!) by Faith Hale.

Three sizes from 38 to 46 inches/96 to 116 cm. It is what it is, which is a really casual, bulky short-sleeved jacket. One of the yarns is named Vagina? Wait, what??!? Hang on...

There. Is that REALLY what you want to look like, from behind?

SECTION LAST! HOT FUCKIN' DAMN! "What you want NOW!" Allegedly fast knits for allegedly instant gratification. "Knitterly [WTF?!] enough to hold your interest, small enough to wear almost instantly." Some of these WOULD make nice gifts. And at least everything isn't freakin' red again.

29. Hooded Neck Piece by Kalurah Hudson.

One size by neck circumference. I can see the usefulness of a hood separate from a jacket; you can add it on to anything, when you need it, in changeable weather. What I can't see is the fashion, high or otherwise. I'd use fewer buttons so they didn't bunch up and stick out in front. Just sayin'.


30. Lace Scarf by Carol Sulcoski.

Someone knit a scarf with lace patterns from a Barbara Walker book. Did they get PAID for this?


31. Textured Hat by Simona Merchant-Dest.

Stocking cap. Yup. Useful. Nope, not fashion.


32. Fingerless Gloves by Judy Sumner.

Fingerless gloves. Am I the only one thinking we've hit market saturation for these types of patterns? It's like rectangular mohair lace wraps, a few years ago. Had enough, thanks!


33. Leaf Mittens by Pat Olski.

Mittens. Yup. They're mittens, all right.


34. Lace Scarf by Nancy MacMillan.

Another Barbara Walker Special. Pretty sure that central pattern is Chinese Lace from book three, but I'm not looking it up. It's late and I'm wishing for vodka. I'm damn tempted to look up the patterns, chart them, and offer them for free, but I don't need the bullshit copyright headaches it will lead to. (Someone paid Barbara Walker a percentage, right? RIGHT?)


35. I-Cord Gloves by (ha) Karen Kendrick-Hands. Ha.

Gloves. Is it me, or do those look weirdly, oddly bulky? Or is it just that she's wearing really light sleeves?


36. Cabled Leg Warmers by Yoko Hatta.

Fitted leg warmers. Or footless socks. Or. Um. Something.


37. Braided Cowl by Laura Zukaite.

Interesting cowl-capelet thing. It would be nice to wear with a coat, to fill in the neck and keep you warm. It's got really unusual construction, though, and given VK's track record with errata, KNIT WITH EXTREME CAUTION. Too bad, 'cause this one's kind of cool and potentially useful. Maybe one of these days VK will hire someone to actually pay attention to errata and I won't have to worry about this stuff, and neither will you.


That's it. Stick a fork in me, 'cause I am DONE. Until next time, knit wisely.

Wait, what, SEPTEMBER?

How did THAT happen?

Well, anyway. I know I've been knitting at the speed of dark on our KAL sweater, and I think I've figured out the problem. You know how middle-aged people have eye problems, and their close-up vision starts to crap out? GUESS WHAT! I saw my eye doctor, and I'm officially middle aged. (Joy. Truly. Although it sure as hell beats the alternative.) So after forty-two years of being nearsighted like crazy, I now can't see things up close. Which would explain why knitting has not been fun.

I've got an order in to Zinni Optical for some close-up glasses, the little half-lenses that we always called 'cheaters'. Once they get here I expect the knitting to pick up speed. (I also got sunglasses, so I guess I'll do some kind of fashion show when they get here.) Three pairs of glasses for $35 dollars. Granted, they were all single-vision, and I got cheap frames for the cheaters until I'm sure what kind I like, but, dude. THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS. I now want to go order outrageous glasses for the Goober to wear for holidays and dressup. If ever a kid needed rhinestones, it's this one:

In the mean time, I have a new pair of progressive lenses. I haven't QUITE walked into any walls, and I haven't fallen off any curbs or down the stairs, so I guess I'm doing okay. I guess.

This also explains why I was still enjoying spinning - I don't need good vision for that and can nearly do it with my eyes shut. The latest:

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So. With nothing else to really blog, let's take a tour of the photos I've taken recently.

The Goober got new glasses, too. She was more interested in playing with the toys at the eye doctor's, so I picked the glasses out for her.

They're purple, so... you know.

Oh, and the doors and roof are back on my Jeep. I find this hideously depressing, but the husbeast cooked the engine in his Suburban, and until he buys a new one ($$$$), we're a single vehicle family. And he can't really wait until it quits raining to do stuff like GO TO WORK. So, doors back on. I has a sad. 

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Last weekend was... THE COUNTY FAIR! Instead of doing demolition derbies every Wednesday like last year, they arranged to do several while the fair was running, instead. So the grandstands were packed. We invited the in-laws to come along, and they did. So my tres chic MIL went to a demolition derby. (Photo by Goobie.)

We're sitting in the stands before it starts, she turns and asks the rest of us, "So, what are the rules?"She's also never been to a hockey game. We're working on fixing that, too. And tractor pulls, and stock car races.

Um. Yeah.

While we were there, I made a run through the "home arts" building and found the knitting prizes. There was an acrylic blanket knit with the giant wash cloth pattern (knit two, yarn over, knit to end, turn) that won the blue ribbon.

Which... dude... what?

The best in show for knitted garments was a really nice red gansey-type cable-knit. There were some other things that looked nice that didn't even place, and I told the hub that they really should display these things inside out so we can see the finishing (which probably decides that sort of thing.)

But the best part? The "unlimited" category. (Read "doilies and other insane lace projcets".) Guess what?

IT IS ALL CROCHETED. I need, NEED to enter a Niebling next year. (And will hopefully be able to knit one, once I get the new glasses.)

We saw a badass llama:

It was getting ready to spit on me, so be appreciative of the risks I took.

And the Goob oinked at some pigs.

Some of them oinked back. She loves that.

Mood swings. This is new.

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Q & A

Comments on comments, and like that.

There are lots of questions about the flowers for the Goobie's hat. (And thank you all for being so excited about it.) So here are, I think, all the answers to that.

Any and all fibers are welcome. The underlying green yarn of the hat is non-superwash wool (Cascade 220, in fact), so it'll be hand washed. Anything should work.

Her favorite color is purple (of course), but any colors are welcome. She's like her mum - she loves all colors.

Bugs and leaves are also welcome and will be sewn on too.

Anyone producing any really wild stuff like Venus Flytraps and the like, be warned: I may keep it and turn it into a refrigerator magnet.

Those of you who think you already have my address, remember I moved here last July. I am not in Monroeville any longer, and am definitely in Pennsylvania and not Ohio or South Carolina. (Boy, the last two years have been really crazy, haven't they?)

People were wondering if I'm knitting the Greenleaf Cap. (Rav link.) Yes and no. I think I've independently arrived at something very like it all on my own. (Showing, once again, that a truly new knitting design is really rare.) I think the crown of the cap I'm knitting for the Goob is going to be more like a long stocking cap, but it looks like the edging is close to identical. So anyone wanting to knit something like this, hie on over to Rav and download it for free. Actually, if I weren't devoted to the idea of a Jayne Hat for myself (the husbeast wants one too), Freyalyn's Sheep Cap is absolutely awesome.

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Today we were supposed to go to Ohio for our home town's annual festival. Obviously, I am not at a fancy barbecue on the parade route right now.

While still in the same COUNTY as where we live, we blew an oil line off the Suburban, which then pumped said oil onto the highway instead of back into the engine. We may or may not have caused the whole motor to melt together. Probably not. But it still ain't good. If the engine isn't fused, we may still have to replace significant parts to make it go again. Although that's the difference between paying out a thousand-odd bucks and a couple hundred, so hope for a few warped bearings or a melty lifter or two. (Rather than, say, having to rebuild the engine, or replace it altogether.)

So we didn't go. The Goob cried. Usually when she cries it's over stupid stuff when she's tired, so we just tell her to suck it up. Today? Yeah, that was legit disappointment. So we tried to sympathize and cheer her up.

I mentioned all this to the in-laws, that the Goobie cried 'cause she wanted to see them. Because they're awesome, they're coming here tomorrow and we're doing a cookout here.

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Went to the eye doctor yesterday. Yeah. You know how when you get older, your close-up vision goes, and you have to hold things further and further away from you to see them? Hi. I'm old now. (My optometrist had never heard the joke about 'I either need to get glasses, or have my arms lengthened.' Where has HE been?)

I'm getting bifocals. After 42 years of being insanely near-sighted, I can't see stuff close to me any more.

HOWEVER! The doc and I agreed I could get dedicated close-up glasses, once I explained the knitting and spinning and all that. So I need the most outrageous half-glasses known to man, to hang at the end of my nose. I've looked on the web site at Zinni Optical and found a pair I like, but I thought I'd throw it out to the rest of you: Anyone got frame suggestions? Something suitable for me?

Oh, and while I was at the optometrist yesterday, I was looking at their frame for half-glasses. The nurse comes over and says "Oh, you'll want something colorful" and starts pulling things out for me. I'm thinking 'how did she know that?' until I put on the first par and looked in the mirror: Oh yeah, my hair's pink. It was probably pretty obvious.

Fast on the uptake, that's me.

So, flowers!

In the comments the other day, my buddy Shoveling Ferret mentioned she'd like to contribute a flower for the Goob's hat. So, heck, that's what we'll do! Anyone who wants to contribute, e-mail me (samuraiknitterATgmailDOTcom) and I'll give you an address to mail to. All flowers welcome. If you think it will survive being sewn to the hat of a six year old, send it.

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In related Goober News, we're doing the home-school program again this year. Well, sort of. We're sticking with PA Cyber because I want to transfer her into 'real school' soon, like next year. (I wanted it to be this year.) If it weren't for that, I'd ditch PA Cyber and their curricula and totally go off on my own.

I'd wanted to put her in school this year, and if it were all about me, I'd have done it. But she's really too hyper to do school-in-a-classroom right now. Not ADD hyper, but little kid hyper. She'll be doing karate and swimming (and art lessons if I can find them), so she'll still be getting out. And we FINALLY located the local park/playground, so we'll be swinging by there. I hope to cut a deal with the ladies at the local library about "story time", too. It's ages three to five; the Goob turns six at the start of September. I'm hoping they'll fudge things a little if I promise to drag her out the instant she gets disruptive, if she does.

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Me? Well, with this cut back in medication, I'm not so zombified any more. Several folks have told me it took about three months to really snap out of it after they shifted the same drug, so I'll probably get more awake as time goes by; so far it's been about three weeks.

What's really starting to bother me is, I can't find any local fiber stuff. Natural Stitches is absolutely awesome, but it's in Pittsburgh and too far away for regular driving. I'm looking around for local stuff; there are two craft fairs coming up. One major, one minor. I'm hoping I'll be able to figure something out then. If not, I'm considering starting a fiber guild of some kind. But, there ought to be one here ALREADY. We've got sheep farming like crazy. The county fair has a prize offered for fiber arts done with locally grown wool, for crying out loud. So, with luck, I won't have to re-invent the wheel and will be able to just join something already established. Then of course I'll have to find a baby sitter...

A spot of irony.

Just a tad. A tiny little bit.

OKAY, FINE, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

Yes, it's true, the alleged expert (though I've never claimed to be one, except sarcastically) knitter, me, the one leading the KAL...

Fine, I'm having some trouble with the sleeves, okay?

I ADMIT IT. IT IS THE FIRST STEP TO DEALING WITH DENIAL.

So, if everyone would be patient just a bit, I will re-knit this:

a little bigger, and get these stupid sleeves done, and we will continue onward, without me bitching any more.

Much.

The good news is,

I think this will make a great hat once I knit a top to it and add about a hundred flowers. (Possibly some I've crocheted, if I ever figure THAT out, oh, hell, not going there again.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go knit a metric butt ton of leaves.

This is what I get for coloring outside the lines.

PS: Just cleaned an unholy amount of crud off my camera lens. Pictures should look better now. (Good grief.)

Queen Crankypants.

I've decided that's my new title. 'Cause I am.

I hadn't been blogging because, well, hello, cranky! but I've realized that, heck, you guys think I'm funny when I'm like this, so what the hell am I waiting for?

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I've regained my ability to concentrate. At least for this week. So I've been spinning. Quite a lot. Sometimes I drag an appalling amount of electronics out onto the back porch with me (iPod, docking station, net book, phone/camera, and of course a fan) and spin out there.

The Goob wanders in and out, splitting her time between the sand box and her great new love, Cartoon Network. I can't stand it, but school starts up soon and I'll start up an "educational shows only" rule. Can't wait.

So far I've got one bobbin of Burning Rum:

And I'm working on a second bobbin. I've changed my mind, and rather than socks, I'm going to do a two-ply lace weight and knit something lacey and neck-warmey for winter with it.

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Oh, the pink hair? Yeah, it's not bright enough.

But, it's a start. Next time I'll try more heat with the blow-dryer while it's on my head, that might help.

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It's gradually sinking in to my stubborn brain that we really have moved into the boonies. Last night I was sitting out on the back porch after dark (yes, spinning), and this BAT flew past. A BIG BAT. I'm fairly used to bats, and knew we had them around here, but this one looked like a freaking OWL. And we have those, too. I hear them hooting late at night.

Then, we've got this hedge back in the back of our yard... it's like a mini nature reserve. Including the predators. I heard a commotion back there and when I glanced back, I saw a red-tailed hawk flying off with... something... in its talons.

Then I made the mistake of searching for local bear sightings. That was really stupid.

Color madness.

Not much going on here, other than more of the medication crap. Though I'm feeling more motivated and awake, so that's good. Real good.

But, well. Tour de Fleece taught me one thing: I really don't like spinning solid colors, especially not natural colors. Snoresville. (Unfortunately, I've got three pounds of assorted natural fibers to spin for a sweater. I'm thinking I'll do it in stages, between stuff I enjoy spinning more.) I found myself at Natural Stitches yesterday, and rather than buying the books I went for, I found myself in the fiber department, buying COLOR. (Yes, yes, I've got two pounds of natural merino waiting for me to dye it colors. Quit harshing my buzz.)

I wound up buying a Northern Lights pencil roving from Louet. Half a pound of it. I split it in half by length, and am going to spin it into two close-enough halves and knit socks with it. Um, this is one half of it:

That's half of it, AFTER I spun for about two hours. So far there has been no noticeable dent put into it.

While I was spinning it, I realized the yellow-to-dark-orange part reminded me of the dark rum floated on top of a Mai Tai. And the orange-to-other-orange part reminded me of a Tequila Sunrise. Someone else said it reminded them of a Singapore Sling. So, hell, I'm calling it 'Burning Rum'.

Oh, I also got this multiple-blues sort of thing, a silk and merino blend. Probably more socks. Maybe mittens. Can't decide. BUT IT'S COLOR.

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Then, this evening, I finally did something I've been meaning to do for quite a while.

I'm taking advantage of the silver hair.

Pictures when it's done.

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Oh, I also got some Madeline Tosh lace:

I'm doing a prototype shawl thingie, for possible sale later. And to keep my neck warm when the weather cools, 'cause my PT told me to.

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The Goob's been having fun.

Now I've gotta go spin some more.

Blindly moving forward.

'Cause, really, what other option is there?

I've been dicking with my medication again. A year and a half ago, I got put on Cymbalta, which is an anti-depressant sort of drug developed for chronic pain folks. (Those of you who aren't interested in health shit, I get that. Scroll down. There won't be a test later.) Anti-depressants are kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't solution to pain; they work better than a lot of other options, but they still suck. (I ranted about the whole thing here, on a blog post entitled "Fucking Happy Pill Shit", which tells you what you need to know.)

Anyway. A year and a half ago, the doc put me on this drug. It gives me what I call "nap attacks" - I will fall asleep almost like I pass out, for two or three hours. When I first started it, one memorable evening I fell asleep on the living room floor with the Goober's beanbag chair as a pillow. When I mentioned this to the doc, she told me to keep at it, because it would go away. HAH. Guess again.

After a year and a half of trying to time the nap attack at bed time, by moving the time I take the pill, I am done. DONE. Fuck this. Next appointment, we are going back to a different drug I've taken in the past. OR ELSE.

Or else I will take a nap on the counter of the nursing station. That'll show her.

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Still knitting on the sleeves. I was going to make the bell sleeves bigger, but after reading the comments on my last post, reason set in. I'll be keeping them as they are.

I will do a blog post on different sleeve types, but ultimately, in the EPS system, so long as you're at your 40% number when you get to the armpit, you can do anything you want, short of knitting a Volkswagen.

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So, I've got this little netbook I roam around the house with. Usually I keep an electrical socket open in all my favorite spots, and plug in as I roam. I've even got a spot on the back porch. Lately I've noticed the plug felt funny as I moved around, but didn't pay much attention. (See drug commentary above.) It worked, so who cared?

Yesterday I sat down at the kitchen table, went to plug in my netbook, and there was this hunk of metal sticking out of the hole for the ground plug. Huh. Then I looked at the plug itself.

Well, there's the problem.

I used pliers to pull the prong out. It was the ground, so I didn't have to shut off power to the entire freakin' house while I did it. I used insulated pliers, anyway.

Fortunately (sort of), I had saved the cord from the netbook I killed the winter before last, so I switched them around and all is well. But damn, that was weird.

Decisions.

It's the big problem with EPS and coloring outside the lines, and doing whatever you want. Deciding what in hell you really want to do.

I sat down and started knitting edging for my sleeves. That was kinda nice.

Reading, knitting, if it hadn't been for Cartoon Network in the other room, it would have been perfect. (It also would have been nice outside, but the weather has sucked. SUCKED!)

After about eight repeats, I hung it over my wrist to get the feel for it.

I want bell sleeves. But how belled?

Bah. Can't decide, and can't knit on this 'til I do.

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We had a fun weekend here. The in-laws visited. My mother-in-law had her knee replaced about a month ago. She's doing great, but things have been rather catch-as-they-can at their house. So they came over, I cooked a lot of food, made ice cream, and other goodies. We sat around and watched movies and vegetated.

We should do it more often.

Apocalypse... how?

I have a confession. Last week, in kind of a fugue state, kinda stressed out, without enough sleep, I was at the book store. And, well, this is what I bought.

The directions kind of made sense. I thought maybe... maybe this time it will make sense.

Then I hit the yarn store.

I've got about ten miles of crochet cotton around here, so, you know...

Maybe I'll figure this crochet thing out.

If it rains blood and plagues of frogs and locusts show up, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

(For newcomers, I have nothing against crochet. I suck at it.)

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Remember Tour De Fleece? I'm trying to do it this year.

Unfortunately, I went off spinning this winter in the midst of all that PT and whining (hey, idea for a new blog, "PT and Whining"). So my goal for the Tour is to just get my ass in gear again. I have to build up slowly because of my hand problems, and on day one I could only spin for half an hour. Really annoying.

The other night I finished this:

It's Gotland wool, which is sort of like Shetland. Spun to about worsted weight, triple ply.

It's the worst spinning I've ever done since I learned to spin. Breathtakingly awful. The single broke three times while I was plying the damn stuff. Ugh.

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The one nice thing has been the weather. I spent last weekend spinning out on the back porch. We had a couple days of super hot weather, but a cold front went through, and I'm hoping for more porch spinning this week.

The Goobie likes it too.

KAL 06: Sleeves

Finally! Sleeves!

All right. You've knit the body up to the arm pits, right? Set it aside. That's right, take a deep breath, set it aside as is. Hug it first if you want to. Get yourself some DPNs or a shorter circular needle, or whatever you need to knit cuffs, and get ready for the next.

Let's take a look at our handy schematic again, hmmm?

You need to cast on 20% of your stitches for the cuff.

If you're knitting a generic pullover, make the cuff match the ribbing you already knit at the waist; use whatever needle you used before, and whatever ribbing. If you knit a hem for the waist of your sweater and have no other plan, ribbing is a good way to go for the sleeve cuff. Use a needle one or two sizes smaller than the main body is being knit on (makes the ribbing stretchier) and knit a couple inches' worth. Consider a tubular cast-on and a 1x1 rib.

20%. You can get it with a calculator, pressing "[100% figure] x 20% =" I used 222 stitches (remember, steek stitches do NOT count in your 100%) for the body. So, for the cuff of my sweater, 222 x 20% = 44 stitches. I'd cast on 44 stitches.

Once the ribbing is knit, switch to stockinette stitch, the needles you used for the body, and knit three rounds plain. On the fourth round, mark a column of stitches to function as the underarm stitch. Increase one stitch on each side of the underarm stitch. I use the make one (backward loop) increase method.

Increase two stitches, one on either side of the underarm stitch, every fourth round, until you reach 40%. "[100% figure] x 40% =" or in my case, 222 x 40% = 88 stitches. After that, knit until the sleeve is as long as you want. Remember, you're knitting to your arm pit, not your shoulder.

Then, knit another one.

To avoid the cliche of sleeves two different lengths, the best and easiest way is to make sure you've got the same number of rounds/rows in each sleeve. I do it by tying string into the first sleeve, every twenty rounds. Then I knit the second.

Next up? Coloring outside the lines, on the sleeve cuffs.

Lines.

Some friends and I have been talking about where we draw the line on a pattern, you know, whether we'll knit it or not. It was hinted that my line is in the road in front of the funny farm, but we all have them. Here are some of mine:

-Lace short rows. There's no fucking way. Nothing in the world is cool enough to struggled through that. (Though I've done stranded colored short rows, and it was easier than I expected... hmmmm.)

-Charts. If it's complicated, I want a chart. Doesn't matter if it's color, lace, or texture. I want to know where I'm going and where I've been.

-Lots of seaming. This one's more of a grey area, but I feel that if I wanted to sew, I'd sew. I want to knit, not sew crap up. So the more seamless, the better.

Uh. Sadly, I think that's it. I'll wrestle almost anything else if I want it badly enough.

How about you guys? What makes you say 'hell no'?

Wait, whoa. What?

Thanks to the glory of Benadryl, well, hell, how in fuck did it get to be July? I would have sworn it was mid-June.

Fucking sinuses.

Even the Tour de France/Tour de Fleece kicking off didn't register with me. I just sat in front of the wheel like a zombie and did some spinning.

This is Gotland wool. In top form.

It's in that crack between brown and gray; natural color. With top, you lose a lot of characteristics of the fiber in the processing. It's coarser than merino (big duh) and has some kind of crimp going on that makes it tricky to draft.

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What finally snapped me out of the antihistimine haze is my Jeep.

We took off the doors and switched tops around, and it's ALMOST as good as a motorcycle; you can smell and feel where you are, just like when you're riding. But it's a darn sight safer. And can haul groceries. And has a radio.

I drove around like a maniac for most of the early afternoon, grinning stupidly and sliding around graveled corners on back roads. We're very near a lot of farms and have great back roads for this sort of thing. At one point I passed my neighbor; he was riding a four-wheeler like a bat out of hell, and I was going the other way in the Jeep. Like a bat out of hell. We waved and grinned like maniacs.


With luck, the adrenaline and the massive amounts of sinus medicine I've been taking will kick in, and I will become coherent. Well. More coherent.

I hope, I hope, I hope.