Friday, January 16, 2009

Looks like I'm going to jail.

The state of South Carolina, in typically back-assward, ultra-conservative dumbassedness, is trying to make profanity illegal. And up the punishment for getting caught being offensive. Because they have so much spare time in the court system. And the prisons are almost empty. And all the drug traffic from New Orleans that has diverted to the surrounding swamps since Hurricane Katrina has the cops so bored they have extra time to run around arresting people for saying 'fuck' in public.

No one's quite sure exactly how the proposed law would apply to the internet, or how in hell they think they'll enforce it. But I wish them luck.


In other depressing legal news, I spoke to my father-in-law (who used to run a newspaper before he retired and knows all about libel and slander and 'intent to harm the reputation' and all that shit) about the Vogue Knitting reviews. They have gotten totally out of hand (do a Google search for "Vogue Knitting Winter 2008" if you don't believe me), and I was edging toward cancelling the whole project. But after talking it over with my father-in-law, I've decided to go ahead with them. Sort of. I'm going to have to stick with concrete problems. But VK has so many concrete problems I'm sure I'll find something to say. (The next VK should be out sometime soon. Brace yourselves.) More tech, less snark. Well. Sort of. Half the stuff I say, people think is snark when I think it's just an observation. We'll see how it goes.

Otherwise, there is nothing to report. I'm knitting. I knit more on days the internet is out because of Microsoft (there's news). I've got to tear back a twelve-stitch cabled panel in my father-in-law's Christmas sweater, because I crossed a cable over instead of under. But even with that, it should be done by Chinese New Year, which is the cutoff for the Holiday Knitting Spaz-Along. I'm at the very end of the second pattern repeat of the Faux Russian Scarf, and have found the proper-sized (US 9/1.25mm) crochet hook to put beads on with. I have joined the "Long Lacy Summer" because I'm knitting lace every time I turn around anyway, and I thought maybe it would make me feel warm.

I got champagne for Inauguration Day.

The husbeast just handed me a handful of spring, metal, and broken plastic and said "Ooops." (He broke a door handle on his Suburban.)

The Goob has head-butted the husbeast twice (resulting in blood) in the last three days.

I have the new Stephanie Plum novel (Plum Spooky) and am laughing a lot.

Uh. Oh. I got the Goob one of those densely illustrated 'seek and find' kid's books, like Where's Waldo, only with a bunch of Disney Faeries. One picture is a kitchen, and in the kitchen they're making odd foods, and the Goob has named them. One is a bubblegum sandwich, and my favorite a bowl of pine-needle stew has been renamed "Pointy-pointy soup" by the Goob. I'm tempted to make up a recipe. Pointy-pointy soup sounds awesome. I could do carrot spikes for the pointies.

That's it at my house. Gonna go knit some more. Maybe I'll do a book review later to try livening this whole thing up.


amy said...

Oh for goodness sakes, do they really think that any kid hearing some adult say "fuck" out in public is hearing anything worse than they hear at school? Or home? Really? You know, whenever I'm out with my kids and I hear some adult using colorful language I can't even pretend to get my ire all raised. I can't even shoot them dirty looks, because the truth, unfortunately, is that my kids hear that at home. I have a potty mouth. And if South Carolina has a fucking problem with it, I just won't visit the fucking state. (Besides, I find their glorification of the Confederacy and Confederate flag to be far more profane.)

Donna Lee said...

I guess we'll have to stay out of S. Carolina, too, because it's potty mouth city at my house. My kids grew up knowing words only have the power you give them and fuck means lots of things to lots of people. Not all of them bad.

And I googled vogue winter 2008 and there you are! You're number one. That's a little scary. Be careful. I'll come bail you out if you need it.

Alwen said...

There was a Michigan representative a couple of years back who sponsored a bill to have the Department of Natural Resources here eradicate poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac in state parks:

"..if the department becomes aware of the existence of those plants within a state park either on its own initiative or if notified by a guest in a state park."

Because he went to a state park and got poison ivy. Wah.

I had two thoughts. A, don't be such a wanker. Learn to identify it. B, have you EVER heard of ecology? You're not the only organism in the universe, you dork.

Verification is "ciderse". I also had "priests" and "blesses" today. Huh.

Roz said...

As a working journalist, I would be devastated if you stopped doing your VK reviews. I'm not sure how they could be judged libelous -- you're writing your opinion, and even though I am not a lawyer, just someone who relies on lawyers' advice, opinion is legal under the First Amendment. If suddenly what you're doing is out of bounds, then every political blogger I read (both on the left and right) would be at risk of having to stop writing as well. ESPN analysts would have to zip it. And what would happen to girlfriends reviewing last night's date with some would-be Prince Charming? That happens on line just as much as in person.... The chilling effect chills me... Keep on writing!

In other news, South Carolina can suck it.

My word: pirai -- short for pirate?

Walden said...

I am glad you will still be doing your Vogue Knitting reviews. They are your opinions and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it. People just like to get themselves all worked up.

Barbara said...

Oh, make pointy pointy soup! How about frozen french cut green beans for the pointies? I used to offer my kids a choice between batwings (Crispix) and octopus eyes (Cheerios) for breakfast. Kids love it when you play along and it'll make for great memories. The Goob can help stir.

I'll bake you a cake with a file in it.

Amy Lane said...

Hee hee... I'd tell them to come to my school and fill up their jails, but the first place they'd hit would be the teacher's room and then we'd all be doomed.

And OMG-- you've been googlebombed, haven't you? You ARE the Vogue Knitting pundit... if they had a brain in their empty noggins, they'd stop fighting you and hire you!

Ladybug doesn't make up words like that--I wish she did, but she's got this weird, laser accuracy when she chooses to speak. (The Cave Troll does, though--and it's really cute!)

Liz said...

Well; OK on the profanity thing; I'm just boggling. Wow. I forgot to take my iPod off the charger today so had to listen to my travelling companions - you'd have had half a dozen new criminals right there...

PLEASE keep on with the VK reviews. I don't think you're saying anything people aren't thinking - you just do it so much better.

(Verification word: strat)

NeedleTart said...

"Don't you know," says The Husband, "cursing leads to marijuana use?"
He would also like to know if the champagne comes from Michigan. If you need an explanation, it'll give me a reason to blog.....
Please don't change the way you do the Vogue review, some issues you are the highlight. (I agree with those who say your opinion shouldn't be lible, but then I'm just a teacher)
Verification: sworec Swore c@nt?

Emily said...

Make profanity illegal, huh...I guess they just don't have enough to do.

I can't imagine that your VK reviews could be actionable: they're opinions! And well-reasoned ones at that. I LOVE them. I really look forward to them, and sometimes they make me laugh & brighten my life. (That belt business: I saw a "makeover" on a friend's TV once, in which the happy recipient was put into outfits, one after another, all with belts...and she was a short curvy person, absolutely the wrong shape for such a thing. But it's a dumb fad, I guess; she looked thrilled. Also not overly bright.)

Galad said...

My family would have big issues if Arizona started outlawing profanity. My husband (the attorney) would have himself as a first test case with my daughter running a close second. He taught her everything she knows (though he isn't nearly as creative as Amy Lane :-))

I love the pointy pointy soup idea. We need pictures of it with the Goob!

Emily said...

OK: second thoughts here. Why is Google placing you at the top? I thought that was a pricey position, & clearly you're not paying for it. I think I would contact Google & try to get back below the tall grass, if you're uncomfortable. (I'd be uncomfortable!)

I love "pointy soup" too. Have to try that on my grands.

Shea said...

Why am I not surprised that South Carolina has things bass-ackward? My Dad is from that state and you should see the state of his relatives! There's a reason he left as soon as he could. Evidently the Vietnam war was preferable to staying home there.

Keep up the VK reviews and to hell with the lawyers. It's your opinion, and it's legal.