Monday, June 13, 2011

Those little black motherfuckers.

We have ants.

In case you are new around House O Samurai, well, folks who've been around a while know I hate the little bastards with the fire of a thousand suns. Come payday, we'll take care of the situation, but that leaves me with two days of creepy-crawly skin, dunking ant-covered things in hot water, and teaching the Goober words she really, really shouldn't know yet.

Son. Of. A. Bitching. Mother. Fuckers.

Could Sekhmet eat the ants? NO. Because she is fucking evil and unhelpful, the fucking furbag. All she does is lay in sunbeams and CHEW ON MY BACK DOOR. 

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I had a photo to upload here, but there's some fucktastic fucking fuckup between my phone, Flickr (A PAID FOR ACCOUNT, COULD IT WORK PLEASE?) and Blogger. So, well, fuck. Fuckers.

As if I was not neurotic and flat-out crazy enough, today we started swimming classes for the Goober. The Red Cross does "water safety" (they don't do swimming lessons any more, insert eye roll here) at the local high school every quarter and I can sign up through our very excellent Recreation Committee. I thought I had to get in the pool with the Goob, so I showed up in a bathing suit, royally pissed off. Turns out I DIDN'T have to get in the pool, and I amused all the other parents with "Yippee!"

Along with five certified Red Cross teachers, they had two kids from the high school who were certified as life guards, also hanging around. One of the kids spent his time wrapping little kids in towels and catching them when they slipped. It was really cute. I wanted to find his mother, give her a high five, and tell her job well done.

It turns out I am not a helicopter parent. (You know, one who hovers all the time.) I had worried about this, what with the Goob and I spending so much time together. But, no, the kids went off to swim, and I was like "Right! Have fun!" and was out in the hall drinking soda and Tweeting. All the other parents sat in the bleachers and watched every move. This goes on at Karate, too: Parents sit in bleachers and watch like it's a performance instead of a class. I do not get this. Maybe because the parents don't see their kids all day like I do, so they feel the need to watch them in lessons? I dunno. Karate or swim, you may find me out in the hall, texting and playing Bejeweled and drinking soda.

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All these stupid painkillers I take? Turns out when I'm eating sensibly and have a negative caloric intake, I get loopy. Dizzy, sarcastic (er), like that. Don't know exactly what's going on, but I'm going to try to enjoy it, since I can't really fix it. (Fixing it means eating constantly, and I really don't need the Boobs of Doom to expand further.) Brace yourselves for some crazy blogging.

Yes, it strikes me that this is a fine time to review VK. Cheers?

19 comments:

Deb said...

I share your ant sentiments, been dealing with them too. My favorite weapon is a lint roller. Its handy for the stragglers but particularly gratifying when there are a bunch together and you can get them all with one pass of the roller. The kids get into rolling them too.

Alwen said...

Oh! Somewhere I have (had?) a rubber roller, a brayer ? or something like that, from my rubber stamping days. I'll bet I could roller ants with that thing!

Ha! Thanks, Deb.

Teri S. said...

Cinnamon is supposed to be an effective ant deterrent. And then there's EcoSmart, a non-toxic (to humans and small animals) ant and roach killer (which contains cinnamon oil); it's quite effective. It's rather pungent so it should be used judiciously.

Best of luck with the ant wars. I feel your pain.

MagicChupacabra said...

I'm pretty sure your husbeast would like the boobs of doom to expand.

LyndaF said...

Get the Goob to follow them wildlife safari style. Find out where they're coming from or going to. That'll help you pinpoint where to point the pest control folks. Sometimes they just come in and guess and that's not helpful.

I hate those things too. We lived in a house where there was a whole nest of carpenter ants under the siding by the kitchen and the spouse kept telling me I was over reacting. Every. Single. Morning. Screw over reacting! When I see them it's Die! Die! Die!

Donna Lee said...

I was never much of a helicopter parent either. As long as I knew my kids were settled in their chosen activity (emphasis on THEIR CHOSEN), I'd read or knit or socialize. The exception was for field hockey/soccer games when they liked me to be there. So, as often as I could, I'd leave work early and sit in my quad chair and cheer my heart out.

I secretly miss those games.

amy said...

Mix a couple tablespoons of dishwashing liquid (Dawn or something similar) in a spray bottle full of water. It'll kill them pretty much instantaneously--it gums up their lungs. And get some Terro. I don't know if it's non-toxic; we put it up high on the doorframe where the ants come in (when they do, knock wood, okay so far) and there's no way the kids or cat can get to it. We had the pest people spray for sugar ants once, and all it did was send them all INSIDE, because they couldn't get back outside once the barrier was up, and it nearly gave me a heart attack. I prefer the Terro, and it's cheap.

amy said...

Oh, re: the hovering, I've never had the opportunity to hang out all by myself while a kid was doing something--I've always had at least one younger sibling to watch/entertain. But I used to marvel at the moms who were glued to the glass watching a class; I felt if I were there alone I'd be having a coffee and knitting. Dunno, I'll let you know in a couple of years I guess!

Caryn said...

I don't have kids but I used to teach them to ride horses. I told the parents they had to go into the observation room to watch because their presence would distract the kids from paying attention to me and to what they were doing on the horses. Oh, and please don't tap on the window and no photography either. You might spook a horse. If I had stubborn parents, I would take the kids out for a trail ride and we'd have our lesson in the woods. :-D

Sarah {The Student Knitter} said...

oh my lord. Ants. Don't get me started! I share your sentiments!

Roxie said...

I play games with tape - laying it out for them to step on. Pretty soon, they are happily trotting across their entrapped brethern and sistern. Then, just as I am about to form a theory of random distribution and the contact area of an ant's foot, the cats wander by and screw everything up.

Yay Goob!

Donna said...

Yea Goob for the "safety class".

Looking forward to the VK review. I have a subscription and wonder why with every edition I receive..

As for the ants..Just one word DIE!!

Corlis said...

May ants in your home always be the worst of your worries.

Louiz said...

Mmm, yeah. Himself is a helicopter parent. I am not. I don't understand. And I've never been one either, so it's not the spending all day with kid thing.

Plus boobs of doom still cracks me up:)

tallgirl said...

We're still at the toddlers stage, and even there mine go off and play while I knit. I thought that was the idea? They'll find me if they want me. (Doesn't always work, there are the clingy days, but it's good when it does.)

And ants, yuk! We had flying ants last year, they got into everything. We went a bit mad with the ant powder, the kitchen looked like a packet of flour had exploded. Worked though.

Emily said...

When my kids were the Goob's age, they wanted me nearby. I didn't watch or stay in the same room...still don't, with my granddaughter...but I know I'm supposed to be available, I guess in case there's an earthquake or an attack of killer zombies or something. Actually watching is boring. Jeepers. I get coffee & knit. And my granddaughter checks discreetly to make sure I'm there.

Her mother once took her to dance class and went outdoors to talk on her phone. My granddaughter was outraged!

Kaessa said...

Oh man.. we had the ant invasion from hell last year, and NOTHING worked... until I called my friendly neighborhood Ant Man. He put some gel bait in the corners of my windows where the ants were coming in (and where the cats couldn't get it), and BAM no more ants for an entire year. I've had a few minor incursions this year, but nothing too bad. I hate those little bastards. STAY OUTSIDE, DAMMIT!

=Tamar said...

Once an ant gets in, it leaves a trail behind it that others follow.
I find that if I religiously wash away those trails, it helps confuse them. I also spray the _outside_ of the house around the windows, edges of the siding, etc.

Kitsune said...

Try corn starch. They'll take it back to the nest and eat it, but it'll kill them because they can't digest it. And it won't hurt kids or pets.