I'm live-blogging the last two and a half hours of the red carpet festivities before the Oscars.
To put it bluntly, it's all about the clothes.
Now, I don't think it's fair - in fact, it should be illegal - to snap pics of stars at the grocery store, or otherwise on their own time. They're entitled to their privacy like everyone else.
But it's the OSCARS. It is very obviously a work event. Part of an actor's job is to look good. And anyone with 1/100th of a brain knows there are going to be photos and cameras and all sorts of news coverage. So.
Here we go.
ADDED LATER: I was gonna post ten million pictures to go with this, but then I came to my senses. If you're interested, all the photos I'm looking at can be found HERE. I put names to dress comments, so you can figure out who I'm talking about if you really want to.
Wolfgang Puck, food, blah blah. BRING ON THE CLOTHES.
Kelly Osbourne has fixed her hair. Sort of.
HOLLYWOOD. GET OVER THE BLACK. IT ISN'T SLIMMING. IT'S JUST BLACK.
Rose Berg (?) wearing a swathe of sequins. Excellent fitting. VIVIENNE WESTWOOD, BAYBEE.
Melissa McCarthy wearing drapey rose. Eh.
Some other bridesmaid, wearing another well-fitted dress in rose, beaded like mad. Neither one has boobs in her arm pits. I approve. This one's... someone I've never heard of.
Ellie Kemper. This is a badly fitted dress. Droopy boobs in the arm pits. Heavy sigh. Armani. Why didn't they fit it better?
Bernice who? Bejo? (Sorry folks, don't pay much attention to Serious Cinema.) It's a take on the old 'nude dress' that Marlene Deitrich made famous. But, not as sexy. Dress by Ellie Saab. Trying to figure out why it's so unflattering. I like the hair. Beats the scraggly just-rolled-out-of-bed look so many go with.
Hunger Games commercial. I may need to read that book.
George Clooney's girlfriend looks fabulous, but with him as an accessory, how could she miss? Dress by Marchesa.
Missi Pyle gets a salute just because she wore COLOR.
Another bridesmaid. Feh. Seriously?
Whose soul did Janyne Semour sell to Satan? How old is she? She was a Bond Girl back in the freaking SEVENTIES.
Jessica Chastain. Ornate. Looks like a McQueen? She's got the figure and the hair to carry it. Really nice. IT IS A McQUEEN. Go Julie! Though he's so distinctive it's hard to miss. Her boobs are in her arm pits, though. -sigh-
Dude. WTF is that white dress? Shailene Woodsley. (Tagging all this stuff with names so I can find photos for this later.) It's like a mutant Chanel. Is that her tits I'm looking at all through the white dot things? No. Don't want to know.
Judy Greer. THIS IS HOW YOU DO SLIMMING STRIPES BY THE GODS.
E: I don't give a shit what you think is a trend. Just tell me who in hell designed that dress. JUST ADMIT YOU'RE SHOCKED THAT PLUS SIZES CAN LOOK ATTRACTIVE YOU SKINNY BITCHES.
Okay, points to the E folks for calling Chastain's grandma to the camera.
Where is Benedict Cumberbatch, HMMMMM?
Michelle Williams. Peplum from hell, and I'm sorry, her hair always looks like it was cut with a Swiss Army Knife. Louis Vuitton. Sorry, honey, but that peplum? Just no. And why in fuck does my spell check not know 'peplum'.
To tell how well-made a dress is, and fitted, LOOK AT THE BOOOOOBS. Why why why aren't these things fit better?
Tux by Armani, blah blah, MOVE ON TO THE AWESOME DRESSES, MOFO.
This blog post is going to be three feet long.
Ryan Seacrest, a foot shorter than the women he interviews. Love it.
Hosts fawning over people. Blah, blah. Feh. CLOTHES, PEOPLE. CLOTHING.
Great googly-moogly, the commercials! They never end!
They're trying to push the suspense of the Oscars. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, Viola Davis. It's Vera Wang, but... I just don't think it's as awesome as the Golden Globes dress. Heck, you decide.
Maya Rudolph. Uh. Hm. Well, at least you wore decent foundation garments.
Glenn Close in a fancy suit. Really nice! Fabulous. Varying finishes and textures, all in the dark green. So awesome.
Chick (Leslie Mann) complaining about a tight dress. SERIOUSLY? What, you couldn't find anything else??
Diddy getting groomed by some hyper dude with a dust roller. Diddy's ignoring him. Freaky body language stuff. Whoa.
ANOTHER BRIDESMAID. OKAY. I'M NEVER SEEING THE MOVIE. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO LOOK AT. Good gourd.
Kelly, we aren't interested in your opinion of George. SHOW ME CLOTHES.
People keep TALKING TO ME. Trying to concentrate here! Ah!
Rooney Mara. STAND UP STRAIGHT. QUIT SLOUCHING. WASH THE TEN POUNDS OF LACQUER OUT OF YOUR HAIR. GET OFF MY LAWN. Givenchy. Feh. The hair, the too-dark lipstick, the dress makes her look like a board or a fifteen year old boy.
Rarely have I seen so many badly fitting dresses in one place. How many stylists were involved, and these dresses don't fit??
Octavia Spencer. Lovely. Sparkle, fit, hair, everything. Perfect.
Hour two of really super lameass superficial 'interviews'.
Melanie Griffith looks like a cartoon of herself. Is that Botox talking?
Commentators are fussing and fawning some more. Bluuuurgh.
Socks by K Mart. Okay. Thanks for that, Sacha. (Dude. You're nuts.) He's claiming the gold urn is Kim Jong Il's ashes, to be scattered over Halle Berry's cleavage. Then he dumped it on Ryan Seacrest and got hauled out by security. Not sure if that was staged or not. Points for dumping on Seacrest, though. Wish I could do it myself. Nice publicity stunt. I'm waiting to see how fast this trends on Twitter. (About ten minutes.)
Dear gods, Melanie Griffith, LAY OFF THE COLLAGEN. You look like a muppet.
Black dress. Snore. Least it fits. I think.
JLO MY LOVE! You know how to dress! Yes, it's shiny and over the top. She's presenting an OSCAR! If ever there was a night to overdress, it's tonight! (Zuhar Murad dress.)
If you're a stylist, why do you look like shit?
More armpit boobs and dresses not moving while the body underneath does. Feh.
Emma Stone. Dude. What... DUDE. The neck floof? Very seventies. Well, at least it's color.
E keeps discussing the same six dresses over and over and not showing anyone else. I'm positive there are more people there. Even if the McQueen gown is awesome, I still want to see SOMEONE ELSE.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. SHOW ME SOME CLOTHES.
Well, this was a waste of time. We've got four women talking about clothes. I've got the commentary I want on Twitter. All I want from E is clothing coverage. This is like the opposite of what I want. Whine bitch moan complain.
Eight o'clock. Half hour to go and they're talking about clothes and not showing them. Blarg.
Natalie Portman in a polka-dot red prom dress. She can wear anything, but it's awfully prommy.
More blah blah about dresses we've already seen. Blah blah.
Gwenneth Paltrow in a lovely white dress AND A CAPE. Looks like Calvin Klein... She's another who can wear anything. Plain, but she's Gwenneth freakin' Paltrow. She don't need no freakin' ornament.
Mila Jojovoich, in another white one-shoulder dress. Again, former model who can wear anything. Fits decently, and she knows how to wear it. Plus she'll kick my ass if I say anything negative.
Still can't reconcile Kelly Osborne's tats with her fancy dress. I've got a tat, I know, I know. But it looks weird.
SHOW ME SOME CLOTHES!!!
Someone Ferris. Black sequins. Sleeves, high neck, feh. Kinda boring.
Anyone still reading, I'm impressed. 'Cause I'm sick of watching.
They're talking to Jay Leno. Who in hell cares about Jay Leno? We're here to see clothing!
Sandra Bullock in Marchesa! Fitted skirt (good), loose blouse sorta thing (ugh). Gold lace styling... She looks okay. Not sure 'okay' is what she was going for on Oscars night.
Penelope Cruz looks magnificent in Armani. As always. Fitted beautifully, lovely hair, perfect outfit. THIS is how you dress for the Oscars.
Cameron Diaz with a badly fitted sheath, slouching, with bias ruffling on the skirt. The slouch really bugs me. She was a model! She should do better than that.
Where's Bjork? I wanna see a swan dress.
"As we're sewing her into the dress in the limousine..." Oh, for crying out loud.
Angelina Jolie in black. Again. There's a shock. I like the drape and the fitting, though. It is a pretty dress. She looks happy. It's hard to look bad with a smile like that.
More blah blah. I bet there's people wearing clothes around there. Bet.
Olivia Wilde, wearing a really boring black dress, though it does fit magnificently. Silly black belt.
Okay, more gushing and blah blah. Shutting down.
That concludes the Oscar red carpet. If you enjoyed it, ten points for making it to the end.