Or perhaps just the most fucked up. I'm still debating.
So this morning, I go over to the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, the Faraway Branch, to get a new driver's license. I knew going in it would be a long and bothersome experience, because I'd let my license expire (a long, long, LONG time ago... whoops) and would have to take a written test followed by a driving test. It's okay. I've done this before. My licenses always expire because I never get pulled over and I forget about them. (My last speeding ticket was in 1991. Last I heard, I had the only perfect score for a driving test in Pearl City.)
Right. So over I go, with the husbeast driving so they can't arrest me for driving, to Faraway Branch. I present my DoD identification. They tell me it isn't good enough. They want a birth certificate.
To get that Department of Defense ID, I had to have a BACKGROUND CHECK. By the FBI. The US Navy knows more about me than I do myself. HELLO. But it isn't good enough.
Away we go to County Seat of the Next County Over to get a copy of my birth certificate. (Damn lucky I'd been born nearby for this fun experience and I wasn't trying it in, say, South Carolina.) I go to the Health Department. I fill out a little form with my full name and date of birth. They give me a certified copy of my birth certificate in exchange for sixteen dollars. NO IDENTIFICATION WHATSOEVER IS REQUIRED FOR THIS PIECE OF PAPER.
(Oh, and I'm adopted, right? So there's two birth certificates on record, and by law I can't see the one with my original, 'real' genetic parents' names unless I sue the state for the information. I'm standing there, and the clerk is looking me up, and the clerk says "Birth mother from Oklahoma?" and I gaped at her for a few seconds and said "I have no idea. I'm adopted." and she cringed hideously and began pounding on the keyboard. I eventually got a copy with my proper - adoptive - parents' names like I legally should have.)
Back we go to BMV, Far Away Branch. I present the birth certificate, and all of a sudden they're really helpful. IT IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF PAPER I NEEDED NO IDENTIFICATION TO GET, YET IT IS MORE VALID THAN A DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE PHOTO ID. I take the test, blah blah, more big issues about whether they can waive my driving test because I'm a dependent of someone in the military (suddenly they notice this after I present a birth certificate). I take the written anyway. They agree to call me and let me know.
On the way home, they call and say it can't be waived, but I can pick up my official, I Passed The Test Permit Thingie at the BMV, Local Branch. So we detour to Local Branch. There, I present my needed-a-background-check DoD ID. It is sniffed at. The clerk demands a birth certificate. I hand it over and the next thing I know, I have photo ID from the State of Ohio.
All on the authority of a piece of paper anyone with sixteen dollars, my name, and birth date could get.
Is it me, or does this make no fucking sense whatsoever?