Or rather, the red carpet, because who gives a shit about awards, it's the CLOTHES, baybee.
I'm watching it on E! right now, which means the hosts are wanking about how awesome they are, or something. I've got the sound turned off.
Oh- they're running photos from Fashion Week and trying to guess who is wearing what. Well, it's vaguely more relevant than how much they like their own dresses, anyway. And at least, clothing.
Shit, just remembered the dentist tomorrow, and I hate dentists, and haven't filled out the new patient paperwork yet. Shit.
CLOTHES. LET US THINK OF CLOTHES AND NOT TEETH.
Blather blather. CLOTHES, DAMN IT. AND I DON'T MEAN RYAN SEACREST'S SUIT.
He's wearing Burberry. STILL DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!
Do they have BOUNCERS? It looks like they have bouncers.
I swear to Keith this one dude did speed right before coming on camera.
Six minutes gone and still no clothes. Fine. I am going to shut up 'til I actually see something, but imagine me over in the corner, swearing.
Wolfgang Puck is talking food. FINE IT'S NOT CLOTHES. Why do I turn this on early? I know better than this. S:DORTWE:ORTU:WEOTU:W
I bet beer would make this better.
I'm annoyed and haven't seen any clothes yet. That always bodes well.
They're doing a montage of Sandra Bullock's shoes. I can't even.
45 minutes into this and still not one single person other than the hosts sucking up.
Aha. Kristen Chenoworth in a gold dress that... is it supposed to fit that way? It's all... sitkcy upy in the front. She's having fun though, doing a runway walk with blown kisses. Haha. Trying to think of what that bodice looks like. Buck Rogers? Chrysler building, maybe. It's very Deco, for sure. And not sheer, hooray for that.
Oh my, Liza Minelli is not looking well. Though, how old is she? Wearing royal blue. With blue in her hair. I can respect that. (Just looked, she's 67.)
Olivia Wilde in black and white. Could we please have some color? At least it looks like it fits. That's exciting.
Portia de Rossi looking classy in gold and white, is she still with Ellen? There for moral support? She's so lovely. Niam Kahn, it's freaking sheer. COULD WE LINE IT PLEASE? So over the sheer dresses. I don't wanna see your underoos. It's like a beach coverup and a bathing suit. Even when pretty, not high fashion. But, yes, she's there for Ellen and being cute.
Oh goodie, another montage. Which we've all seen before if we read Go Fug Yourself.
HOSTS. SHUT UP. MORE CLOTHING, LESS YOU.
Fuck a duck, more hosts blathering.
Still can't decide how I feel about boning as a design feature that you can see.
Amy Adams in... navy blue? Gucci, looks like it fits properly. I think . I could see it if the guys in tuxes would get out of the way.
Viola Davis in green, looking lovely. She says she chose it because it fit. Seriously, I am not making that up. Maybe she's on to something!
Someone in line, reading on her phone and hoiking up her strapless bodice. Bwahaha. It's like the band dance down there.
Someone with a square jaw and a whole lotta skirt... Idina Menzel. It's dark green, not black, pretty, but wow, that's a lot of skirt.
Kristen Bell, beaded dress, light gray? Lavender? Boring. Her body and bodice are moving independently of each other. Um.
"Beautiful neutrals" they're saying. BORING, I'm saying.
Seriously reconsidering this whole idea. It's nothing but commercials and hosts sucking up to each other.
Unless good clothes turn up soon, I'm deleting this whole idea and eating lasagna.
The fact that I have a migraine can't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I hate everything.
Woooooow, really badly fitted maroon dress in the background. Someone needs to explain to those folks in the background that they're on TV, 'cause, wow. Lots of vacant stares and bad posture and someone roaming free with her giant poufy skirt carried in a lump in front of her with both arms. CLASSY. (Yet really funny.)
Amy Adams! In Gucci! That fits. "I felt like I was one with the dress." Kinda minimalist, but pretty. I like the kinda-bodice-but-not effect. When something is minimalist like this, you need the right undergarments and a good fit. She's pulling it off.
Kurylenko (?) in red, looking like it was on the wrong end of that cat in Snoopy who slashes messages into his dog house.
Lupita Nyong'o, who has looked fantastic every time she stepped out in public. She's got some Grecian thing going on, light blue, with a little head band, and as always, looks fantastic. It's great with her coloring. HA! She's doing air kisses. Air kisses always crack me up. Unlike everyone else, this dress looks comfortable enough to sit around in for hours. Pretty AND smart. Which pretty much sums her up.
Anna Kendrick in black and red, at least there's some color. Oh, and a leg stuck out. I kinda like the detailing at the waist, though that's not the area most women want to draw attention to. At the least, it's not another same-same black dress.
RYAN SEACREST, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Laura Dern in a pink dress that her boobs are oozing out of. -sigh- Sometimes, the best a girl can do in these situations is to just shut up. But goddamn. This is why I bitch about fit so much.
GoodYear Blimp, advertising how they did all the undergarments tonight.
Julie Delpy. Can't decide if I like the dress or not. It reminds me of that black one Cher wore to the Oscars, but this one's over a slip-dress thing. It's pretty. Sparkles. Oh, let's call it a win.
Chrissy Teigen (?) in a really cute brown and pink strapless. She was the one hiking it up earlier. Pretty, though. Maybe, dare I say it, it needed fitting.
Naomi Watts, in a white dress that reminds me of the flocking on cheap stuffed animals. I'm sure this is my problem, and not hers. Cute necklace. I like the necklace.
Someone in a full-on formal kimono, with the obi and the works. And a microphone clipped to the back collar for historic accuracy. I'll try to find a photo.
June Squibb, looking fabulous in an emerald green beaded evening suit. Fabulous earrings, too.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, looking twelve years old and adorkable, as always.
Calista Flockhart in white, with Harrison Ford who is sadly looking his age. Her hair looks like mine, and I've been calling myself "Ursula the Sea Witch", so there you have it.
Jared Leto is wearing a white tuxedo that doesn't fit, with red, and looks like Jesus. In a tuxedo.
Jesus. Jesus is at the Oscars tonight. Okay. Altering my reality as needed.
Some woman in the background (the background is the best part) is wearing a lovely aquamarine dress, that you can barely see through the cameras, microphones, and press passes. Oh, my.
There's another HOUR of this??
I see why the stars punk out on the red carpet and sneak in the back, whenever they can. Great googly-moogly.
Bennedict Cumberbutt in a black suit. I do not get why people flip out over him. He's a good actor, but so are a lot of others. Whatever, have a picture. Someone, with a staff badge, is bent over behind him, next to his bum...?
CLEAVAGE ON THE LEFT! Cleavage that is too old to be running around loose like that.
I desperately want to know who that is in the kimono. They're working, she has a mic, maybe Japanese press of some kind?
Kevin Spacey, blue tux.
DRESSES!! NEED GIRLY SPARKLY DRESSES! And a cup of tea. And a quart of morphine. And a straw.
Jessica Beil-Timberlake (!!) in silver. Really great jewelry, though. Emeralds and stuff.
Bette Midler. Red and white, a red lace over white. It kind of reminds me of the wallpaper in an expensive bordello. In a good way.
Sally Hawkins. Bad hair, badly fitted dress, and I don't think she knows how to walk in those shoes.
Kerry Washington, in taupe (darn it, with that skin, she could wear ANY color). Lavender? Is it lavender? It's strapless, and I can't imagine putting on that outfit for a bunch of hours when I was eight? nine? months pregnant. I get gaggy just thinking of it.
What in FUCK is it with sparkly neutrals? THAT DON'T GO WITH THEIR SKIN? And don't fit??!!??
Cate Blanchett!! Damn it, she's in beige too. Armani. Although it's nice and drapey and fits properly, but guh. Another take on Deitrich's nude dress. Which was amazing in the 30s, but can't we come up with something else?? She's working it, because she's Galadriel.
Matthew McConughay and his mom and wife. His wife is wearing this... pink... one-sided cape thing that should not work, but does. Maybe because the pink is fabulous against her skin.
Ryan Seacrest is being a dick.
Jennifer Lawrence tripped on the red carpet, I hope she's okay. Looks like she was laughing so that's good. She's wearing red Dior. She's got a contract with them, and they've been dressing her in some of the most fucked up stuff. Hopefully they came through for her tonight.
Eh. It doesn't suck, but I don't think the peplum is doing her any favors.
Charlize Theron in perfectly fitted black. I expect no less from her, she's a former model and KNOWS how to dress. I'm tired of black, but she's working it. Because it's Charlize Theron. You could put her in a flour sack and she'd rock it.
More hosts babbling. DON'T CARE. MORE CLOTHES, LESS YOU.
Julia Roberts in a black (snore) dress with a peplum. She's got the skinniest body I've ever seen, and this is making her look shapeless and pudgy.
Anne Hathaway. ALSO in black, with beads, at least. It fits. Kinda eh. Better than last year's pink, but eh. I dunno. Maybe I'm just sick of black.
Okay, they're still going on, I can't take any more. It's like a fricking funeral, with all that black.
That concludes this year's Oscars. Kind of a bummer. Maybe it's just me.