The Oscars Red Carpet

Pics available HERE.

Also, a word on what we're doing here tonight. Yes, yes, we're being superficial and ogling and sighing over the clothes. This is an industry event, for a group of people whose job is, in part, to look good. They've had weeks to prepare, if not months. They know there will be cameras and fashionistas everywhere. So I think it's fair to do some tourism. However, I think it's unfair, and should be illegal, to take pictures of these same people ducking out for some coffee. They're entitled to private lives. The Oscars Red carpet is public, and they know that.

Right then!

SIX PM:

What's-her-face Giuliana's dress looks like a boring version of the one Nicole Kidman wore in 2011.

I hate E!'s coverage. Totally shifting over to ABC when it starts.

Also trying to cook dinner at the same time is damn annoying.

Seth MacFarlane's sister. Okay, sure, but a BROWN dress? To the Oscars? It'd be a nice dress, in a color maybe? It's not even a rich brown or russet, it's just... brown.

Oh, and FYI, I am totally biased toward the entire cast of the Avengers. So when I squee over them, don't complain.

Jessica Chastain. Eh. STAND UP STRAIGHT! It's like the bodice isn't fitted right and she's leaning into the cups. I'm not a fan of nudes, but the gold sparkle on it is a nice touch. The lipstick is weird. Armani Prive. For that it should be fitted better. Her hair is amazing. Very Jessica Lake. Or Jessica Rabbit. Either. I'm blathering like this because E! is blathering. Aw, she brought her grandmother as her date.

Some chick in the background wearing a fantastic, perfectly fitted red dress. Looks like she's Just A Date though. Feh.

More blather. Blatherblather.

Another fantastic dress in the background, on an employee. Dark gray, perfectly fitted.

Made burgers for dinner. Eating mine on the couch, LIKE A BOSS.

MANI CAM? They're finally showing manicures?? COOL.

Ryan Seacrest, why isn't your nose brown?

Amy Adams wearing a griege birthday cake. Oh, geez.

Commercial. ...I may have to go see the new GI Joe. Heaven help me. Last time I went to the movies I wound up getting a brain MRI, but fuck it. Life's short, right? RIGHT?

Back to Amy Adams. It's De La Renta. That explains all the floof. At least it looks like it fits right. Hair is fuzzy. I sympathize. I have fuzzy hair myself. It's an ass pain. Still don't like the color. Someone just stood on her dress. The fuck? They're calling this blue. Uh.

Kelly Osbourne, what in hell are you wearing? Rags?

Samantha Barks, super low cut black dress, but it fits right and she's got the bod to carry it. And someone told her how to stand when she's wearing it. I will bet you $20 she's got that neck line glued on her boobers.

Zoe Saldana. She looks magnificent. Beautiful in layers of gray. Don't know if the bodice or the skirt is prettier, but the layers at the hem are very awesome.

Kerry Washington hauling up the front of her dress. Bwah. THE HALLMARK OF A DRESS THAT DOESN'T FIT. Okay. She's back. Being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest, heaven help her. Wearing Neomio?? Pretty coralish red.

Octavia... who? Spencer. CAN WE GET SOME NAMES ON HERE? Wearing something that's possibly too fluffy. Little... warts... all over the dress. Uh.

Reese Witherspoon... wearing a dress that's FIT. TED. Damn. She must have lived in the designer's pocket for the last week. Wonder if she's sewn into that. BUT IT FITS. Damn, girl. Louis Vuitton. Fits like a coat of paint. Hosts gushing at her and asking for what she uses on her hair. Oh, geez. She just had a baby. OKAY. WE SHALL ALL HATE HER NOW. Wait, zipper in the back. I'd have sworn she was sewn in.

Pregnant lady in a lace dress. Pretty. Jenna Dewan, girlfriend of Channing Tatum? She did a great job. Dressing while pregnant is a bitch, looking good is.. well, job well done, girl.

Blather blather.

Quvenzhane Wallis, blue taffeta dress. Nine years old, well spoken, positive. She's fantastic. "I liked it because it was sparkly." She's carrying a puppy purse. YOU GO GIRL. Her mom and sister are also wonderful. So cute.

FYI, the hot water for tea heats faster if you TURN ON THE FIRE UNDER THE DAMN KETTLE.

Jennifer Lawrence, who apparently knows how to dress, has turned up. Wearing something light pink and very perfectly fitted. At the bottom the dress poofs out into meringue amazing bogglingness. You go, girl. It's Dior. Custom, I believe. Which would explain the fit. No one does fit like Dior.

I don't know what's up with all this neutral shit.

Daniel Radcliffe. I keep expecting him to whip out a wand. And his eyebrows need work. Otherwise, he's adorable, as always.

Jacki Weaver. Kind of out of it, said it took three hours to put on her face. Uhuh. Weird red sparkle bodice sort of like a nude dress version, with a wrapped waist and... odd. AWESOME earrings. Want the earrings. Says her diamonds are "blood free" She hopes.

Chris Tucker, traditional tux. Nice.

I'm agreeing with Kelly Osbourne on fashion. That's kind of worrisome.

Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen. Don't know if it doesn't fit right or if she's slouching or what. It's got the choker neck and bare everything else deal. Looking at photos later, I wonder if she had it fitted while her hands were on her hips, and so it fits perfectly then and not in any other pose.

Sally Field in a red dress of draped organza. She looks magnificent.

Lots of movie ads. This new Oz thing looks really freaky. Why does the male lead remind me of Westley from Princess Bride? Is it the beard/mustache?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is adorable. Sally Field tied his tie in the limo.

Catherine Zeta Jones wearing metallic gold, looking starlike.

7PM, switching to ABC, because I'm tired of E! blather.

OhDearGods, the facelifts.

Laura Spencer. Honey. If your underarm flab bloofs over the edge of your dress, it doesn't fit right.

Kelly Rowland wearing a really nice black and white dress.

LET'S SEE SOME STARS INSTEAD OF HOSTS, HUH?

Awesome multilayered green dress in the background.

Oooo. Catherine Zeta-Jones' dress is AMAZING. The skirt is a nude with the sequins overlaid on it in swirls.

Jessica Chastain again. They're gushing at her. WHARGARBL This may be worse than E!

I'd turn down the volume, but the hub goes crazy when I do that.

Explaining air kisses - don't wanna mess up each others' makeup. Haha, okay, I'll buy that.

Kid given the Kindle Fire, is watching Netflix and has quit whining.

HOW ABOUT SOME FASHION. DID I SAY THAT YET?

Proceeding to flip back and forth between E! and ABC. So this'll be even more fragmented than it already is. Enjoy.

Hub went downstairs, so I turned the volume down. IT IS ABOUT DRESSES, NOT BLATHER.

These commercials are seriously freaky with no sound.

DRESS ES. DRESS ES. DRESS ES.

Can you tell I took a painkiller? No. It has no influence on me whatsoever. JUST ASK ME, I'LL TELL YOU.

Okay. And we're finally back. Ad for Kardashian reality TV. Give me a prize for not throwing my tea mug at the television. And whoa, whoever that was, HORRIFYING face lift. Whoa!

Jennifer Hudson in another variation on the nude dress - sheer fabric covered over with sequins or embroidery in strategic spots. Seems to be a big trend tonight. I think Zeta-Jones' dress is that way, too. I love Hudson. Don't know her music, but she's always so damn positive and thrilled to be there.

The nude dress is originally a Marlene Dietrich thing. I should do a blog post.

Hostesses still standing around gushing at each other on ABC. Seriously? I have to watch E!?

THE MANI CAM! Hudson is... wearing a nice neutral and a cute ring. Okay then.

AIR KISS!

AHA! THE DRESS. Catherine Zeta-Jones. She looks fantastic, she's performing, and sounds wonderful. The dress is Zuahair Murad. It's AMAZING. Love it. The skirt does look sort of like nude dress technique.

Hostesses now gushing at each other on E! WHERE DO I FILE THE COMPLAINT.

Helen Hunt, wearing classic, well-fitted navy taffeta. She has botox around her upper lip. She looks like a muppet. NO, HONEY. No. I like the brooch on the back at the waist, though. Art Deco style.

Anne Hathaway wearing a sort of halter dress in light pink. I don't think it's her best color, it washes her out rather than--

HOLY SHIT, CHARLIZE THERON CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR. She looks great, but HOLY SHIT.

Anyway. Anne Hathaway has the body and attitude to wear anything, but I don't think the color is doing her skin any favors. Her short hair is adorable. She's ragging on Seacrest, so she's now my favorite of all time. TELL ME WHO MADE YOUR DRESS. Could be Calvin Klein, or Dior? Prada. I should have known. She likes them. She says she decided on it three hours ago. It spoke to her. Okay.

So far all the men are wearing traditional tuxes.

Naomi Watts wearing some wild asymmetric dress. I like it. Armani Prive. Fits. Unusual. Sparkly. Nice.

Jane Fonda, American traitor bitch. My husband was/is military. I won't forgive her. And she looks like she's on her fifth face lift. She must have fifty pounds of makeup on to not look like she's got liver disease in that shade of yellow. Yes, yes, meow. I know. MOVING ON.

Charlize Theron in a magnificently fitted Dior Couture. She buzzed her hair for a movie, and what she's got is three months of hair growth. !! She looks great. She could wear a garbage bag and look good. She's also about a foot taller than Seacrest. So she's also my favorite.

Lovely purple-maroon sheath dress in the background.

Jennifer Aniston in a red dress I wore to prom in 1986.

Bradley Cooper brought his mom to the Oscars. He's slicked down his curls, which makes me sad. Wearing a traditional tux with a black vest. I think he combed his beard. Also, yum. Because, hey. Bradley Cooper. His mom is wearing a feather boa. Love it. Work it, baybee.

Samuel L Jackson is on Twitter, talking about swimming. He's presenting an Oscar tonight. He's one of the best things on Twitter.

Stylist blather on E!... host blather on ABC. Feh.

DRESS ES. DRESS ES. DRESS ES.

Blah, blah, blah. Commercial. Blah.

ABC hostess has weirded out Bradley Cooper asking weird questions. Good job. Not.

AHA. Nicole Kidman in a fairly average tank dress. Black with iridescent and gold sequins. Pretty. L'Wren Scott. She also can wear a garbage bag and look good.

Adele wearing a black dress. Sigh. Can we get over the black is slimming bullshit? It's just black. It's got squiggles on it, dunno what's up with that. She's so pretty, I wish she'd done something pretty.

Interesting dress behind Adele, looks like a dark green, nearly black, with a cape or something?

Ben Affleck in traditional tux, Jennifer Garner in a maroon sheath dress with a big bow at the back. I'm partial to that silhouette, but it's kind of eh. The color is good on her, though, and the dress actually fits, so yay for that.

Hugh Jackman in a traditional tux. The Aussie accent always surprises me. And Hugh just picked up the hostess, and said she weighs less than an Oscar. She's gushing at him. He looks magnificent. Yum. His wife's wearing a black suit. Sigh.

CHRIS EVANS!! Looking adorkable in a black suit. He also brought his mom tonight. Did I mention? Adorkable?

DeNiro is looking his age. Damn. Also in a traditional tux.

None of the men are wearing freakazoid outfits tonight! What's up with that?

Sandra Bullock also doing the sheer dress with sequins deal. It's black/grey, and the beads are done in scallops. Long straight hair. She looks nice. Dress by Ellie Saab, with a train. Cute little clip in her hair.

Salma Hayek wearing black velvet and gold sequins. Lovely. Fits perfectly, to show off that hourglass figure of hers.

George Clooney's date is wearing a really fantastic black and gold dress by Naim Kahn. Art Deco.

Bedtime for Goober while they blather about stylists on E!. Feh.

MORE TEA!

"Statement necklace". What in fuck else is the point of a necklace when dressed up??

Daniel Day Lewis blathering about Steven Spielberg. Yes, yes, you're both wonderful, show me some dresses.

E! still blathering about the Amy Adams dress from two hours ago. I am SURE someone else has arrived between then and now.

Kirsten Stewart in a really badly fitted strapless gown.

Halle Berry... oh, honey. Black and gold stripes, long sleeves, long gown... where's that magnificent body of yours??

Just realized that Charlize Theron's hair is almost exactly the same as Jeremy Renner's. It's possible I should stop now.

8:20 PM: Oscar show starts in ten minutes. I'm burned out. I think we're done here.

Tomorrow, fashion. Or spinning. Or possibly history. I've been swearing at a book by the British Museum, lately.